When Did the Slide Start Up Again?

I realized something while talking with DH last night, I have given up on expecting God to answer my prayer for a child. I kinda feel like a little kid bugging their parents for a super duper wonderful toy that they would "...just die..." if they didn't have it.

• Me: God, can I please have a baby? Just one. Please.
• God: What?
• Me: A baby. I would really, really love a baby.
• God: Why?
• Me: I thought you knew my hearts desire? I really, really need a baby!
• God: Need is an awfully strong word. Are you sure you need it?
• Me: YES! I need a baby.
• God: Hmm. We'll see. I am not promising anything though.

In my head, this is how I feel the conversation proceeds. I beg and cry (picture Hannah throwing herself on the steps of the temple) and plead for a child, yet nothing. We get one step closer but we never go over that final threshhold; the door keeps moving.

I know that everything happens for a reason. We needed to find out about the low testosterone and the male factor IF. There are reasons, I know that. We needed to find out about my PCOS. There were reasons there, too. But at some point, we will run out of things to fix and I am not sure that a baby will be at the end of that tunnel either.

Going back to the original thought, my failure to trust I will ever have a child stopped in March. Don't get me wrong, I still pray about it but my heart isn't in it. It doesn't change anything.

The teenager at church needed a child more than us apparently. The father hasn't been around since the announcement but they definitely needed a baby more than us.

Rationally, I know this is crazy. My mom didn't need a child when she found out she was pregnant with me but my adopted parents did. There was a reason for her pregnancy. Yet, I still wonder, in our world where teen mothers are celebrated and praised, how they need a child more.

So, I guess I am just protecting my heart. For every "Hannah" moment I have, my heart hardens a little bit more. This is not a good thing.

I will work on it more. Maybe pray a little harder for others. Maybe give up and just let the chips fall where they may.

I really don't want to have to do another IUI. I want to use the pills and have it work. But for some reason, I don't think that is in the cards.

Maybe the plan is for me to be child free. I just hope that if that is the case that God takes the desire for parenthood away completely.

(Oh, and is there a way to erase comments that have been burned into our memories permanently? I can't get passed the "Only after you do [this, this, and this]..." comment. Or the "Your marriage will never be blessed..." comment. I hate being so sensitive about this still.)