"Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say."
"Always look on the bright side of life?"
"No, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.'"

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

When Did the Slide Start Up Again?

I realized something while talking with DH last night, I have given up on expecting God to answer my prayer for a child. I kinda feel like a little kid bugging their parents for a super duper wonderful toy that they would "...just die..." if they didn't have it.
  • Me: God, can I please have a baby? Just one. Please.
  • God: What?
  • Me: A baby. I would really, really love a baby.
  • God: Why?
  • Me: I thought you knew my hearts desire? I really, really need a baby!
  • God: Need is an awfully strong word. Are you sure you need it?
  • Me: YES! I need a baby.
  • God: Hmm. We'll see. I am not promising anything though.

In my head, this is how I feel the conversation proceeds. I beg and cry (picture Hannah throwing herself on the steps of the temple) and plead for a child, yet nothing. We get one step closer but we never go over that final threshhold; the door keeps moving.

I know that everything happens for a reason. We needed to find out about the low testosterone and the male factor IF. There are reasons, I know that. We needed to find out about my PCOS. There were reasons there, too. But at some point, we will run out of things to fix and I am not sure that a baby will be at the end of that tunnel either.

Going back to the original thought, my failure to trust I will ever have a child stopped in March. Don't get me wrong, I still pray about it but my heart isn't in it. It doesn't change anything.

The teenager at church needed a child more than us apparently. The father hasn't been around since the announcement but they definitely needed a baby more than us.

Rationally, I know this is crazy. My mom didn't need a child when she found out she was pregnant with me but my adopted parents did. There was a reason for her pregnancy. Yet, I still wonder, in our world where teen mothers are celebrated and praised, how they need a child more.

So, I guess I am just protecting my heart. For every "Hannah" moment I have, my heart hardens a little bit more. This is not a good thing.

I will work on it more. Maybe pray a little harder for others. Maybe give up and just let the chips fall where they may.

I really don't want to have to do another IUI. I want to use the pills and have it work. But for some reason, I don't think that is in the cards.

Maybe the plan is for me to be child free. I just hope that if that is the case that God takes the desire for parenthood away completely.

(Oh, and is there a way to erase comments that have been burned into our memories permanently? I can't get passed the "Only after you do [this, this, and this]..." comment. Or the "Your marriage will never be blessed..." comment. I hate being so sensitive about this still.)


VA Blondie said...

I am sorry you are feeling bad right now. I can relate to wanting everything to have a reason. The annoying thing is that there does not seem to be a reason for some of the stuff we deal with on our IF journey. A lot of it is scary, and the subject is sensitive. (And causes many people to be insensitive.) It is enough to make you crazy.

Holding you in the light.

Tammy said...

I don't know if bad is the feeling as much as scared.

I think I feel by letting go completely, I may not like the answer to my questions.

Thank you.