"Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say."
"Always look on the bright side of life?"
"No, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.'"


Monday, March 17, 2008

Floating and Truding Through Life.

The river lazily rolls along, ebbing and flowing gently, while a soft breeze brushes my face. The floating clouds above me are bright fluffy, promising another glorious day.

As I lay on the raft, the water moving softly through my fingers, I relax, finally letting the beauty around me soak in. I hear the bird and creatures, chattering and playing throughout the area. It is music to my ears.

Suddenly, breeze quickens and the rustle through the trees is no longer soothing but restless. The shadows begin creeping quickly across the landscape, casting darkness all around.

I open my eyes and the peaceful afternoon is gone. The clouds are now dark and ominous, threatening to spill their wet contents. The birds haven stopped chirping and the small creatures have taken cover. The storm is coming.

I pull the raft onto shore and quickly gather my things, hoping to reach shelter before the deluge.

As my feet start towards sanctuary, big drops begin falling from the sky. Slow at first but the pace picks up as I run towards gazebo. Soaking rain pours from the sky, covering my as thoroughly as it can, daring me to try and escape.

But there is no escape, no shelter, no sanctuary from the storm. I look ahead only to realize the small beacon of hope was only a mirage. The gazebo isn’t there. I am in the field running towards nothing. The waters pouring from the heavens drench me as I spin around looking for safety.

The sheets of rain making my search difficult, I begin to panic. I am unprotected. I begin to cry, the tears only making my search more frenzied.

Then I see it, a small light in the distance. It may be a house or a shelter. I start sprinting towards the light, hoping to reach safety. But the light is not getting any closer, it moves as I move. It stays just out of reach. No matter how fast or slow I approach, it is unattainable.

I drop to my knees and just let the rain overtake me. I can’t stop it and I can’t run from it, so I must wait it out. When it slows, I will be able to see the path out. Until then, I just patiently wait, praying for relief.


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My soul is crying out right now, searching for sense in the madness that surrounds me. It seems like life is going along smooth and then the storm hits and I am caught without an umbrella or a shelter.

I am torn between trudging through the mire of wanting so desperately to be a mother and giving up and living child-free. There is no clear path for me to take and I am looking through the storm and all I see is a dim light, which represents inner peace. I wish I could just see the path that leads there.

My inner storm is blowing hard right now. I know it is because of the unexpected pregnancy of two teens in our church and I need to find a way to deal with it and still maintain my decorum.

I am in for a really rough ride. Crap.

5 comments:

Laurel said...

So, the comment of "share war stories" brought me to read your blog. I also looked at your profile and we have A LOT in common. So we will have to keep in touch and eventually maybe share some of those war stories.
Wow! This post is so emotional and struck me with such power that my heart hurts for you. Tammy I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts as you continue on this heart wrenching time. I wish there was something I could do for you!

Tammy's Thought Pattern said...

Thank you Laurel.

I would love to have the chance to keep in touch.

The analogy came to me after trying to fight my anger over the teens at our church. I was praying and trying to find words and that is what came.

My paster is also at a loss. He wants to be able to help but this is somehting that I know DH and I have to go through, I just wish I knew why.

Do you have a blog too or just email?

Laurel said...

Just e-mail for now. Feel free to e-mail at plsobiesk@netscape.com.
I'll be thinking about you!

Hope said...

Tammy...wow, I read this and I am in that raft with you...I am running up the path just a few steps behind you, carrying anger, bitterness, confusion and sadness - none of which shelter me from the storm. If anything the things filling my arms make the storms rage higher. I can see that light too, and I think knowing that light is there and the path isn't clear to reach it frustrates me the most. Sometimes I wish I didn't believe in that light - at least then I might feel ok where I am.

It is almost a cruel joke that my name is Hope.

I will be thinking of you, hoping one of us makes it to the light soon and can leave a bread crumb trail for the other. ((HUGS))

Tammy's Thought Pattern said...

Hope...

I think you are right. Some days I think it would be easier to not believe but then there are days I don't know what I would do if I didn't.

I struggle to let go of the pain and resentment, often wondering if that is why my prayers aren't answered.

YOu have been in my thoughts since I found you on the blogroll. I hope we are both able to reach that light soon.