Floating and Truding Through Life.

The river lazily rolls along, ebbing and flowing gently, while a soft breeze brushes my face. The floating clouds above me are bright fluffy, promising another glorious day.

As I lay on the raft, the water moving softly through my fingers, I relax, finally letting the beauty around me soak in. I hear the bird and creatures, chattering and playing throughout the area. It is music to my ears.

Suddenly, breeze quickens and the rustle through the trees is no longer soothing but restless. The shadows begin creeping quickly across the landscape, casting darkness all around.

I open my eyes and the peaceful afternoon is gone. The clouds are now dark and ominous, threatening to spill their wet contents. The birds haven stopped chirping and the small creatures have taken cover. The storm is coming.

I pull the raft onto shore and quickly gather my things, hoping to reach shelter before the deluge.

As my feet start towards sanctuary, big drops begin falling from the sky. Slow at first but the pace picks up as I run towards gazebo. Soaking rain pours from the sky, covering my as thoroughly as it can, daring me to try and escape.

But there is no escape, no shelter, no sanctuary from the storm. I look ahead only to realize the small beacon of hope was only a mirage. The gazebo isn’t there. I am in the field running towards nothing. The waters pouring from the heavens drench me as I spin around looking for safety.

The sheets of rain making my search difficult, I begin to panic. I am unprotected. I begin to cry, the tears only making my search more frenzied.

Then I see it, a small light in the distance. It may be a house or a shelter. I start sprinting towards the light, hoping to reach safety. But the light is not getting any closer, it moves as I move. It stays just out of reach. No matter how fast or slow I approach, it is unattainable.

I drop to my knees and just let the rain overtake me. I can’t stop it and I can’t run from it, so I must wait it out. When it slows, I will be able to see the path out. Until then, I just patiently wait, praying for relief.

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My soul is crying out right now, searching for sense in the madness that surrounds me. It seems like life is going along smooth and then the storm hits and I am caught without an umbrella or a shelter.

I am torn between trudging through the mire of wanting so desperately to be a mother and giving up and living child-free. There is no clear path for me to take and I am looking through the storm and all I see is a dim light, which represents inner peace. I wish I could just see the path that leads there.

My inner storm is blowing hard right now. I know it is because of the unexpected pregnancy of two teens in our church and I need to find a way to deal with it and still maintain my decorum.

I am in for a really rough ride. Crap.