"Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say."
"Always look on the bright side of life?"
"No, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.'"

Monday, February 25, 2008

They say that breaking up is hard to do...

Mel wrote several weeks ago about breaking up with a close, or best friend. At the time I was thought I completely understood, but after several weeks of introspection and contemplation, I can say, I understand her more now than I did then. (It was brought to a head by the sermon on Sunday.)

In the last 10 years, I have lost 3 very close and very dear friends. Not to death or anything tragic, just circumstance and necessity.

  • Friend One:
    After being close with a couple, and their kids, for several years, we sort of fell away from each other. They moved, I met DH and it just kind of fizzled. If I saw them on the street or in public, it would be very joyous and probably loud, but nothing of real substance. I must admit, I do miss the deep religious and philosophical discussions we had on occasion.

    Friend Two:
    Well, that is a different beast. She was 2 years younger (not the issue at all), she married a lawyer and started changing. She was a frat mom, and then a sorority girl; she was all involved in her wonderful new life and I was not important to her anymore. She was my maiden of honor and we really clicked but once she got pregnant, things changed.

    DH was still not ready to even think about TTC and I was so ready that her BFP hurt. Granted any BFP at 8:00 am on a Saturday hurts. She took my lack of absolute bliss as jealous and decided I was too negative to be in her life. After several months of trying to salvage the relationship, I gave up. I just walked away. It still stings to think about it.

    Friend Three:
    Well, that one is well documented, lol, but needless to say, that was a rocky and tumultuous 18 years. One can only stay friends with a psycho for so long before something snaps and it disintegrates forever.
After thinking about these friendships and how they ended, I started getting paranoid. Am I a bad friend? Do I leave when the going gets tough? Is it something in me causing the breakup? Am I the common denominator in why these relationships ended? This is hard to admit to myself – I, Tammy, can be bad friend picker. Not all the time, my radar isn’t always off, but occasionally, I get a real dud. Not that these friendships were all duds (just one, the third time, yeah, um... What on earth was I thinking?)

I know I am not the only one who has gone through friend growing pains and I know that I am not done going through them myself, I just wish there was an easier way to deal with the aftermath.

So, I got to thinking, how does a person breakup with a dud friend and still remain amicable? Or, is that even possible? Do you say, “It’s not you, it’s me. I am not good enough for you. I know it hurts right now, but someday you will look back on this and see that it was for the best. You deserve someone better.” Or, eek, “I just to feel the same way about you. Can’t we just be acquaintances?” Better yet, is it possible to go back to acquaintances once you have shared a past? I wish I knew the answer.


nancy said...

I've had to part ways before.

If being a friend to someone is more work than it is positive, it's better off for both of you. Not always both of you really, as some friends take take take take take without giving.

Don't worry, sometimes things just have to change. Good for you for knowing when you need to make that break.

jenn said...

It is a hard but necessary step. I know it all too well. I don't think that going backwards to acquaintances is ever really possible. I am trying to get there with my former friend & current coworker- a tricky situation at best. I think it's just better to be honest- especially with yourself. If it hurts at first- hopefully it's like a band-aid, you know?