Working Out the Emotional ~Math~

I have a couple of things that have been bugging me in the last few days that I think I just need to get out on ~paper~. Once again, it is not a lack in faith or trust; it is introspection and meditation on reality.

First thing: DH and I had decided that maybe we should let the parents in on the happenings on the fertility front. I thought, at first, this would make things a bit easier emotionally if they we in the loop. I was wrong.

We are DH’s family’s dirty little secret. We have ~endeavors~ that we are working on and it is mentioned in hushed tones. We are pitied and patted on the shoulders and back rubbed while, “Sorry” is softly uttered. Heaven forbid I read a book on IF with them around because I get ~The Look~ and it makes me absolutely bonkers.

I really don’t think that MIL wants to admit that we are infertile. She wants to just ignore it and hope for a ~surprise~. I realize we are taking out the glamour of becoming a grandparent but you know, there is no glamour in IF treatments either. What we wanted was support, but what we got was silence and a comment on the phone, “I didn’t want you to think we didn’t care. How are your ~endeavors~ going?” I think we may actually name our first non-existent child, Endeavor.

Not only do the ILs not want to acknowledge we have IF issues, they refuse to tell us when pregnancy or birth happens in the family. We ~discover~ it, something happens where the child’s presence slips out, or it is said as an afterthought in the middle of a conversation that has nothing to do with children. Let me change that a little. MIL will tell DH but not in my presence. Grrr. It pisses me off.

My parents, on the other hand are more along the lines of, “So, did the Doc knock you up, yet? Oh, by the way, you niece is pregnant.” A bit blunt but appreciated. I like the ~rip off the band-aid~ approach.

Second thing: We will probably only do a few more IUI cycles and then we are done. There will be no more TTC and no more talk of being parents. Adoption is just out of the picture and DH does not believe in “…playing God…”, so no IVF, ever.

This is a struggle for me. I will support my husband in every way, but for this I will never understand, nor agree. I know how I feel and I know that I will not change his mind. “We will wait three years before we try to get pregnant” was followed almost to the day. He may be stubborn at times but I love him nonetheless.

I guess this means that I pray for acceptance, no matter what the outcome.