"Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say."
"Always look on the bright side of life?"
"No, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.'"

Monday, October 22, 2007

What Does it Take and What Do I Have to Do?

At times to I look at others and see failure in myself. Not failure in my entire life. In may areas, I have achieved success; I own a home, I have a good job, I have a happy marriage, and family that loves me. So why do I feel like I am failing at life? I guess it boils down to two questions: What does it take to earn the right to get pregnant? And, what do I have to do to make sure I don't unearn that right?

Can we tell our bodies that we are ready for a child? Will it listen? I say, No." I have been telling my body for years that I am ready to be a mommy. It is not working. I tell myself I have done nothing so sorted and awful in my past that warrants me never being able to fill my empty womb and arms.

I need to know, what penance do I need to do, what rite do I need to practice, what pill do I need to pop, what prayer do I need to say, what person do I need to ass-kiss to have a child? Please, someone let me in on the secret... From what I see around me, the only way to have a child is if the following criteria are met: I am drunk and on crack, I am married to another man and cheat on DH, I have a mental instability, I already have children and I don't take care of them or they have been taken away, I a too young to know better, or I randomly pick someone up in a bar and screw him. Apparently those are guaranteed way to get pregnant.

It is hard to realize that I will not have some cute conception story. It will not be a "Daddy and I went on vacation and Mommy finally relaxed and stopped trying to think about babies and when we came home, you were in my belly." Nope, it will be more like, "Daddy went into the sterile jack-off room and spilled all his ~men~ into the collection cup. Then the doctor put all the ~men~ in a centrifuge and spun out all the good and healthy ones. Two hours later, the doctor put Mommy in a paper gown and had her legs up in the air all spread eagle; then he put all the little ~men~ in a syringe and stuck it in Mommy's who-ha and 7 days later, you implanted."

Why can't I catch a break? I just want a chance at one child. I am not asking for multiples, just one. Is it not happening because I am bitter and do not like stupidity? Have I unearned the right to get pregnant because I am outspoken about pregnancy injustices? Tell me, what have I done that is so horrid that a child should elude me? Why is it always the ones who shouldn't have kids in the first place? It just makes me want to scream!

Make me understand!


This is my response to finding out a cousin with two children (at last notice they were not living with her) is about to have child #3. Tell me, is that fair?


Anonymous said...

It's not fair. There is no rhyme or reason.

I pray deep in my heart that you can one day SOON you can finally have your moment.


jennifercarol said...

It's impossible to understand, because who gets to have kids and who doesn't isn't fair. It sucks.

But look how you have succeeded in all the aspects of your life that you can impact personnally! I'm hoping that someday, somehow you are rewarded for that with a child. You deserve it.

Amy Paden said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Monica said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tammy's Thought Pattern said...
This comment has been removed by the author.