"Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say."
"Always look on the bright side of life?"
"No, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.'"

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Self Medication...

Many diseases and disorders call for doctor to look you over and prescribe the perfect medication to heal what ails you. For example, if you have a sinus infection, bronchitis, pneumonia, etc, you required copious amounts of antibiotics. If it is something simple like a cold, allergies, or the like, normally over-the-counter drugs work just fine.

But there is one ailment that has no medicinal cure, a broken heart. It doesn't matter how it was broken, but there is no magic pill, mystery concoction, secret ancient remedy. No band aid can cover the wound, no sling will hold all the pieces in place, no cast will help the heart grow back stronger that it was before it broke.

My heart aches on a daily basis for the child I cannot seem to have. I see the women around me, either pregnant, cuddling their newly born blessing, chasing their rambunctious two year old and my heart hurts. Not just a longing, but a deep sorrow that doesn't subside. It lives deep down in the center and I have become so accustomed to the feeling, that at times, I am able to live like it is gone. Then, for whatever reason, I get to be the person to answer the call announcing a beautiful baby boy was brought into the world. My soul takes notice and the pain returns, "I'm still here," it says in a soft voice.

"Everything in God's time/Maybe God doesn't mean for you to have a child." These are a couple of the arrows that any woman who has tried to have a child and failed cannot bear. It leaves a deep gash that feel fatal when it strikes. It is just a flesh wound but it hurts much, much more.

"Faith can move mountain." Well, I just want it to move my ovaries. I don't need a mountain, I just need a viable egg and one strong, little sperm, is that too much to ask? Keep the mountain, just move me! Where is my faith and why is it hiding from me? Is it in a box in the garage where I can't find it? Is it in the attic? The basement? Where? If anyone has seen it, please direct it back home.

"I'm trading my sorrows... for the joy of the Lord." I hear the song and I wonder to myself, "Is it possible?" I'm not sure. The bitter has turned to tears and the tears to sorrow. I am grieving for a child that has never been born, my empty womb, my lack of faith that God can and will make it happen. There is no medication that restores faith, hope, and joy.

Until then, I will self medicate; two chocolate bars and maybe one glass of wine (okay, amaretto) and prayer in the morning. Hopefully it will be the right combination...

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