I Miss My Mommy.

I am not sure why this is hitting me harder lately but I really do miss my mom. There are times I forget that we are almost at the three year anniversary of her death.

I struggle because we had a tumultuous relationship. Her manic depression was so overwhelming sometimes, it was all I could do to not run away and not turn back. I have said hateful things like, "I am glad you aren't my biological mother," in a fit of teenage rage. I have not called for weeks because I don't know if happy mom, crazy mom or angry mom will be on the phone.

But I loved her. She was the mom all my friends liked because she could get on our level and have fun (to my utter disdain, lol). She was the crazy one that every thought was funny. I could tell her anything and she might get mad but we would work it out. When I needed to cry, she was there. I was never her "adopted" child; I was her little girl (even when I out grew her and Dad).

I need her advice. Where do we go from here? How many IUI until enough is enough? How long until we just give in to child-free living? How did she handle it when everyone around her got pregnant and had their children when she was still barren with two failed adoptions? How did she not fall apart then? How did she not feel like a bad person for not rejoicing in others' good fortune?

More than anything, I need her hugs and love, telling me that I can still survive with a broken heart, that adoption isn't always the answer and that she will love the fur-babies like grandbabies. I just need reassurance that my feelings are normal from someone who's been there.

*Sigh*... Sometimes I hate the holiday season.