I am not ready to embrace childlessness. I am not ready to admit defeat. I am not ready to watch everyone around me get my dream either.
That being said, I don’t know what I am going to do if a certain pregnancy happens. I wasn’t bitter or shocked when I found out a second niece is pregnant. I have dealt with my issues with the teenager at church having her child. I am even enjoying watching my bat girls go through their pregnancies. But I am not sure how I will react if my premonition finally bears fruit. I think it will change things forever.
My limbo is getting worse. I feel a disconnection in my world of TTC. Almost like a divide that has a missing or has an incomplete bridge. Until that bridge can be spanned, I don’t think we will have any luck getting pregnant. The problem is, I am not sure what that bridge represents. Maybe it is spiritual, maybe financial, or maybe emotional; I can’t really say.
So, what do I do until then? Do I try in vain for something that I am not sure how to get? I just feel so raw inside. Too raw to deal with the pain of knowing that there is a very real possibility that I will never be a mother. I made a comment to several people that if I cant’ have a child then God needs to take away the desire. Is that what I am feeling then? Am I feeling the desire leak out like a balloon with a pinhole? Is He leaking out instead of ripping out like you take off a bandage? Why do I feel so lost?
I don’t think there are answers yet so maybe this is just a post about options. Who knows, I certainly don’t.
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4 comments:
Honey- I am so sorry you are in such a raw place right now. I hope that your desire only means tha your child is just taking their sweet time until everything is as it should be. I wish I knew what that magic moment of alignment was for you & could help make it come quicker.
Honey. Sugar. I have no words for you, no words of wisdom, and no words of comfort that would not sound trite. I do know that I'm here for you, no matter what happens in your life. If you need to lash out with pain, anger, frustration, I'll be glad to take it (or find someone to put in front of me) (Remember that scene where Clarice tells Maylynn to hit Weezer when she was crying?? :)) I'm here for you like that.
Baby girl. I love you. I wish I knew what to say to comfort you, or to help you. But I don't. So if you need to talk, to cry, to yell, to giggle--- I'm here and I'll try to say what you need to hear. Remember that scene in SM where Maelynn wants to hit something after the funeral, and Clarice offers up Weezer? Well, consider me offering myself as your punching bag. Or sounding board. I like that idea better.
I felt somewhat how you felt. I hadn't gone through IF as long as you two have suffered, but when I was at my longest cycles (around 16 w/ my first and after hitting 18 for this one) I started ~looking~ for reasons WHY. Why wasn't this happening? It was particularly worse the first time because I didn't know if I'd ever have one.
I started looking for excuses really. Why wasn't my body doing it's effing job?? Was it because I was mean to my neighbor Peggy when I was 8? Was it because I used to sneak in wine coolers to the slumber parties, introducing all the good little girls to alcohol? Was it because I was a drug addict? (I knew those wine coolers were the gateway drink!) heh. kidding about that one.
But then I came to understand that it was simply science. I'm not religious, so I was able to think this way. I honestly am glad I wasn't religious during this time because I don't think I could understand how a God could have this in his plan. Such torment.
We always thought the first one was a fluke. It simply took that long. And then I find out about all of my lining issues. Maybe it was the cause of all my problems, maybe not. But I was able to understand much better in the WHYS I wasn't getting pregnant, even though it was still frustrating.
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