I didn't post this on the day of my appointment because I was not sure what to report.
Let me preface this by saying, I do not want any posts or comments that contain the word "Sorry" in any way shape or form. I am not sorry myself, so I don't expect it from others. I don't want pitiful looks or glances, or even, "Chin up". I am not upset, I am renewed.
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I had a mixed blessing of a yearly exam. On cycle day 98, 12-14dpo, I received my very first ever BFP; two of them. I should have been thrilled but the doctor was very apprehensive. The tests were so light that they could have been misconstrued as evaporating lines. My cervix was also low, hard and open, all indicative of AF.
My beta came back a 16 (too low for his liking) and the doctor said, basically, it is/was a biochemical pregnancy but we will take another one on Friday to cooberate his theory.
Thursday's test was just as light and maybe even lighter. AF is on her way; Spot came for a pre-visit this afternoon.
I will have a definitive answer tomorrow but I already know the outcome and I am okay with it. Instead of seeing this as a negative, I am seeing through a different light. At least we know sperm can meet egg, right? We finally saw our sign that we are headed down the right path. I have renewed hope ; it will happen again. I do not really consider this a 'loss' in the typical sense. If I had not gone for my yearly, I would not have known, so how can I mourn the loss of something that wasn't even really there?
So for now, I am going to rejoice in the knowledge that I was a Maybe-Mommy for a brief moment and that one day, I will be a For Sure-Mommy.
HUMOROUS SIDE NOTE: I almost put Absolute-Mommy at first but it immediately made me think of those baby t-shirts that say,"Mommy Drinks because I cry", and changed it. See, I still have my sensor of humor.
UPDATE:: After a lot of cramping, I woke up this morning to a very obvious AF. On to cycle 38. Oh, and this month makes the official 5 year mark of trying... Yippee.
8 comments:
That's tough Tam. But I truly admire your attitude. This really is possible and maybe it is just a sign that efforts on the sperm front are working.
I'm sorry about your loss Tammy. Chemical or not, something was going on. ~hugs~
Jen - I admit that it hit me a bit harder than I thought it would but I am okay. Thank you.
Nancy - {{hugs}} Thank you.
Sounds like you've got what it takes to get to your destination.
Thinking of you, Tammy.
Kudos for your great disposition! Glad your biological car is on the correct road.
I'm hoping that now that your body has done it once, it will kick-start it into a full, healthy pregnancy very soon!
I won't say sorry- I'll just say I'm here for you.
I am glad that you can have such a beautiful outlook. I am glad that you now know that things are turning around on the swimmer front.
You have all my support hun, and I'm always hoping for you.
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