When the She is Ready But the He is Not.

This past weekend has given me some time to think and reflect.

Over the years, there have been so many times that I have thought I was ready to be a mother.

• At 20, I knew being a mom would be great and that is what I wanted, now...
• At 22, I knew that I was too young at 20 and that 22 was a great age...
• At 25, I thought, now is really the time, 22 was still too young for me...
• At 28, it hit me, I needed that few years of marriage under my belt before a child would be welcome...

Now at 33, with almost 5 years of trying... I still wonder if I really am ready for a child. So, I started to ask myself, when do we know the timing is right?

I realized that age is not a factor. Some women are ready and wonderful mothers at 18 and others are horrific mothers at 40. It is an internal readiness that flips the switch.

After one year of marriage, I am sure that I was not as ready as I thought. Half of my reasoning to that is the fact that DH was really not ready. He wanted to wait three years, no ifs, ands or buts. I didn't agree with him but I respected his desire to wait. I am not saying that if we would have unexpectedly gotten pregnant, he would not have loved the child, but I would always wonder if he would resent the child's timing.

I do see that DH would have been a wonderful father even if it was sooner than he thought. In fact, I know he would have been thrilled to hold a child in his arms that looked like us. Yet, it would have been different.

I have seen girls who "accidentally" forget to take the pill because they are ready and he isn't. I have seen girls talk their husbands into a child the man is not ready for because the woman is. I have even seen a marriage fall apart because the woman doesn't respect that her husband feels waiting is best for a reason.

I really feel that each spouse needs to be on the same page when it comes to children. How many fathers have a hard time connecting with a child due to lack of desire to be a father at that time? How many inwardly resent the child for being there too soon without even realizing it? What happens when the father finds out the pregnancy wasn't spontaneous but planned, in secret, by the mother? Will that not strain the relationship?

I may not have agreed with DH, but looking back, I know that we made the right decision. I could not have lived with myself knowing that I made the decision without him. When b/c failed to work, we found creative was to be together during fertile (or what I thought was fertile) times. Only after the three year mandate did I develop the "wait and see" attitude.

Yes, I am a bit jealous of the family friend that is pregnant. I am even a bit put off by the uber planning of when to add a child into the mix, but I have respect for the planning, too. At least they are both on the same page. They knew that the timing was right for both of them and they acted accordingly. I just wish our planning had resulting in the same relatively quick outcome.