"Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say."
"Always look on the bright side of life?"
"No, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.'"

Monday, April 7, 2008

Moment of Truth

Nope, we didn't audition for the show, but we did sit down with my in-laws and point blank, no sugar coating, almost harshly explain our infertility.

Let me give some back story:

This weekend, DH and I stayed at the Potawanami Inn with the IL's (C's) and good friends of the family (W's). This was the 20th year for the C's and the W's.

The W's oldest daughter (TC) is due the first week of June. No biggie, at least MIL told us this months ago. We were lead to believe that they were trying for a while (um, no, only several months, bleck) and I almost felt for them... Nope, not now.

TC does nothing but talk about the baby, and complain about the pregnancy; i.e. not sleeping for 7 months, innards getting squished, not sure she would want to do this 'thing' again, weight gain sucks, etc. Each complaint, doing more and more to raise my hackles.

I don't think it would have been nearly as irritating if she wasn't one of those women who makes the baby sound like the next acquisition in her life, the next check mark on her To-do list. They have a house, two dogs, a Lexus SUV, the perfect jobs... next on list, trophy kid. It was mind blowing.

Because of this irritation, DH and I had to explain to the W's that we are having problems and I was bitchy because of this.

Now back to the Moment of Truth. MIL has the habit of down playing everything. I don't mean not getting detailed, she literally makes everything sound like a blip. "I had pain in my arm and thought I was having a heart attack, but I wasn't so, no big deal." Blip "My son lost his job [back in '03, not right now], but everything is fine." Blip "The kids are just have difficulties getting pregnant." Blip

Well, we spilled it all on Saturday night. Everything that we are going through, DH's issue, the costs, the struggle... everything. They we told them to stop sugar coating it. If people ask, tell them the Truth, they are infertile and looking at all their options.

For once, I feel like MIL got it; she understands there is no simple solution and that making it sound benign, she is perpetuating the myth that infertility should be a stigma.

It feels good to have all the parents on the same playing field. DH's parents are in the same loop as mine... it is a relief.

On a related note, sort of, I am glad that DH and I are finally at the point in our marriage that we rarely get asked about kids. We are also getting to the age that people stop asking about kids. Life is sweet... lol


Lori said...

Yes, bittersweet sometimes.

I bet it feels good to have it all out, and have your parental units understanding your emotional needs about the enormity of the situation to you.

BTW, (maybe you've blogged about this) I am wondering how your parents reacted, since I'm thinking they also experienced IF? Has that made them more empathetic?

Tammy's Thought Pattern said...

Well, we found out this weekend that MIL had an early term m/c before DH and after DH was born. That was interesting to learn. DH’s mother is just not willing to believe that it may never happen. She is in severe denial; I am hoping this weekend will pull her out of it. They also don’t understand how I can feel more support from a group of women that I never met, than in real life friends. They don’t see that unless a person has gone through infertility or still going through it that they can say they understand, but they don’t. I get more clich├ęs and “faith”-based comments from in real life friends than I have ever cared to get. In fact, I really don’t mention it much any more and kind of distance myself because of it.

As far as my parents, they didn’t/don’t care how a grandbaby got/gets here, they just want/wanted one. My adoptive mother died in February of 2006, so it is hard for me to not be mad at her because she should be going through this with me and I now I am on my own. My adoptive dad gets it but he doesn’t understand that adoption does not go as easily as mine did or a cheaply. Since all parties were in the military, all they paid for were court costs. In 1975, that was only $65.00. You know that is not close to being possible today.

My biological family is also very supportive because all three of my mother’s girls have PCOS. I have it the mildest. It will be amazing if any of us girls have a child that is not conceived medically in some way. Also, my mother has had one miscarriage later in the first trimester and my littlest sister died at four months of SIDS. She understands loss on three different levels. I am actually blessed to have a family that is very open about it all.

Jen said...

I hope you're MIL finally gets the seriousness of all this. It must be so frustrating to be dealing with the reality of the situation only to have the people supporting you down playing it. That "it'll happen" crap gets old real quick.

Tammy's Thought Pattern said...

It is frustrating. I don't get it from the parents much any more as much as those around me... co-workers, people at church, friends, etc.

It burns me up that no one really wants to face reality... this is an uphill battle.

jenn said...

I'm glaf it is out in the open now. It has to be a weight off your shoulders!
I was actuakky surprised at the level of support from certain family members & the lack from others. My MIL & my cousin have noth dealt with IF- although I am not entirely sure of the extent of either. They don't bring up babies or pregnancy unless I do first & they don't ask unless I share first. My own mother however- different story. She either ignores it completely or bombards me with non-helpful e-mail forwards all about being a woman & being pregnant, or the 3 million photo e-mails of my other cousin's new baby with messages about how precious she is. I thought that as a nurse & the daughter of an infertile she would get it more- plus she's my mom!

I'm glad you have your sister's & bio mom to be there for you & to understand- although I wish you all didn't have that particular brand of empathy...