"Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say."
"Always look on the bright side of life?"
"No, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.'"

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Screaming in My Head

Intuition sucks.

Having radar for pregnancy in others sucks.

Knowing someone is pregnant six weeks before it is confirmed (and not even confirmed to the world yet) double sucks.

Having that same thought 10 times stronger about the same person 10 days before confirmed to other people, triple sucks.

Knowing that that person is too young and throwing her life away on a person that she will never be able to 'fix'... AND... not knowing where my own IF is leading me... really *explicative* sucks.

This week, I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that DH and I may never have a child. If the protocol he is on doesn't work, well... we are up a creek. Yes, I know miracles can happen but I need to deal with reality on this one. I can pray for a miracle but that doesn't mean it will happen. So, on to the reality of our infertility.
  • Chance of pregnancy on a non-medicated cycle: Slim to none - gotta have an egg and gotta have sperm... .5 for 2
  • COST: $0.00
  • Chance of pregnancy on a medicated cycle: Slim to less than 3% - once again, gotta have an egg and sperm... 1 for 2
  • COST: $60.00
  • Chance of pregnancy with IUI and DH's little guys: Less than 5% - egg and sperm, 2 for 2 but not enough little guys
  • COST: $900.00
  • Chance of pregnancy with a sperm donor and IUI: 25 - 30% as long as I have a good O and a good sperm count.
  • COST: $1100.00
  • Chance of pregnancy with a donor embryo @ Bethesda: 70% with a good donor embryo
  • COST: $3-5,000.00
  • Chance of pregnancy with IVF and ICSI @ Bethesda: about 65% with a good embryo
  • COST: $10-12,000.00
  • No pregnancy and adoption: years of wait time and tons of home studies
  • COST: $30-75,000.00

I don't like these numbers. I don't like the odds. I don't like the fact that I actually know these numbers and the odds.

I feel like I have been hit my an emotional freight train. I am not depressed, sad, mad, angry, hurt, or the like. I am resigned. The initial shock has wore off and I am just resigned.

We can't do anything until May any way, after the results from the urologist and the next s/a. So, there is nothing I can do about it.

I don't need helpful axioms or cheer up statements. I am not sad. I just need to let reality set in and stew. I guess I just need to hope for a miracle but keep my feet grounded.

Once again....


Intuition sucks!


Jen said...

It sounds like you've framed your thoughts around all this well. But that doesn't make things easier emotionally. I just wish life didn't have to be so completely unfair.

Tammy's Thought Pattern said...

I can't believe it didn't upset me more.

I think I am at the point where I just don't care. We will do what we do when we have to do it. I just wish I knew when that would be.

Until then, I will live vicariously through you girls :o)

nancy said...

Wow - looking at it all in black and white really sucks. I'm sorry. Even though I'm kinda still in your same boat, my heart breaks for you and us. But, things happen. I've seen many pregnancies happen with "less than 1% morph". I'm not a rainbow stuffer, but the slim to none chance, well, is still SLIM - not none.

If "deserve" was a word that was necessary for pregnancy, there would be a lot less babies in the world.

Shayna said...

Tam--I'll wait in that boat with you, I won't let you wait alone. Money is tight right now and my underachieving ovaries are still, well, underachieving. So, TTC takes a back burner...again.

Anyways, sending lots of (((HUGS))) and prayers your way. Just know that you are never alone.

Tammy's Thought Pattern said...


I will scoot over and make room :o) even though I wish I didn't have to.