"Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say."
"Always look on the bright side of life?"
"No, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.'"

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

I feel we all go through periods of change and growth. We may not realize what is happening while we are in the thick of it, but eventually, we look around and see what we have gone through and the pieces fall into place.

My faith has always ebbed and flowed, which is normal, at least to me. I know what I believe, why I believe it and can hold my own in a discussion about my faith. But, we all have that defining moment when it is all or nothing. When make a conscious decision to either remain where we are or to move on.

I hate to use television as an example but it fits perfectly. In one episode of Sex and the City, one of the characters, Charlotte, decides that in order to stay with the man she has found as her perfect mate, she must convert to Judaism (not a quick or easy task). At that point, she made her decision and it affected the rest of her life.

I have had two in my lifetime. One happened about 11 years ago. I won't elaborate because of the sensitivity of the situation but it showed me I was on the right path. The last one has been almost a week in the making, culminating in a complete and utter meltdown last night. This one, I will share.

I strongly and passionately believe that prayer moves the proverbial mountain. I have an odd take on prayer too; it is not the church-y "Oh dear Lord, please grant me... blah, blah, blah...". I think it is an ongoing conversation with God, all day, with everything. "God, this co-worker is giving me homicidal thoughts, please make her go away or change; anything, I just can't deal with this right now." No, Old King James English/speech, just Mano y Mano talking. Don't get me wrong, I have the sit down, close my eyes, bow my head prayer times, but I must say, I really do have a daily stream of conversation with God.

Never was this more true then in the last 4-6 months. With every house we saw, every person we talked to, I just kept trying to make it fit because of the price range the first mortgage broker said we had to meet. Nothing worked, I disliked them all. Doug kept going back to a house on Markey Rd. I was stubborn and said, No, it won't work. Then the mortgage broker stopped doing her job and we 'fired' her. At that point, our realtor got us in touch with her ~guy~. I had given up and just said, "God, you know what we need and what has to happen in the next few months, so this is your ball game now. You lead and we will follow." Everything from that point on went flawlessly. We are in that house on Markey. My prayer life picked up, I started studying more for my teen class, but I think I needed it more than they did.

About that same time, maybe a month or so before, I made the same proclamation regarding TTC. "Look, God, I can't keep begging and pleading, having my heart broke every time someone has what I want. I know that everything happens for a reason. I am not sure what the reason is now, but I am done. You aren't going to give me a child until you are ready so it is up to you now. You lead, I'll follow." I didn't forget about TTC, I didn't prevent anything from happening, in fact, I really just kind of went with the flow.

For at least three months, I have really not cared about TTC. I had other things on my mind (moving, work, etc.) so babies were just an afterthought. I had a few weak moments, don't get me wrong, but I got in on ~paper~ and then let it go. Then about a week ago, I noticed I was past the healthy 60 day rule my OB/GYN is comfortable with. So I ask a few friends, should I call for a 'kick start' and then if nothing by Saturday, start the pills? If I had decided to continue further with TTC, a natural cycle is always preferred so I figured, I would call and then leave the rest up to God. If I had to 'kick start' then I would just wait for the next natural cycle before going for an IUI. I woke up the next morning and I had my answer, AF showed.

At that point, I call the RE and we decided, let's do an ultrasound and discuss the options. So, I go in for the ultrasound and for the first time, the nurse not only found my uterus was lower than usual but so were my ovaries. And where this may mean nothing to some people, it meant a lot to me; my ovaries we found seconds later and with out issue. My left one was behind the uterus but still in plain sight. That has never happened. I have had some of the most painful ultrasounds because my ovaries were hiding. Once again, I felt positive this time and knew I was going in the right direction. (On an side note, my Clomid price was also $20 less than I had ever paid. Once again, right track.)

Then I was blind sighted. I was told by a friend that she ~knew~ that I would only have a child after I continually trusted God (praying, studying, reading my bible ALL the time) and put Him first above everything. I was M-A-D! And that was just the tip of the iceberg. How dare she?! Several tense emails later, we decide we should talk it out because there is a back story to what she told me. I tell her to give me the run down and I will then decided when we need to talk. I got it yesterday morning.

My faith was crushed. She said that she has been praying since April for Doug and I. Not just, "Hey Lord, help 'em out" but really meditating on it. In July, she really felt she needed to tell me "I would only be blessed with a child after I continually trusted God (reading my bible and praying more) and putting Him first Him first above everything." But she didn't want to. She fought it because she didn't want to hurt me. But God kept pushing her... Then in a moment of my weakness, I rant on about my cousin and her pregnancy; she finally decides, I need to know.

Yesterday, I had decided I was done with God. I finally start trusting him (prayer life was really up and so was my personal study habits, well as up as they can be when in the middle of a move) and restoring my faith and BAM! a friend tells me I am not doing it enough. Well, that was it, I was switching sides. God was getting me no where. He wasn't answering my prayers but my friend's. I am not worthy of an answer so screw Him, I was finished. Every time I said it in my head, a little ~event~ would happen. Through out the day, I got three 'Have Faith' emails, I checked two blogs: One said 'Believe' and the other said 'I will be still and know you are God.', the car in front of me on the way home said was '2 GD B TG' (to God be the Glory). Every time I said, "I am done with you, God said, no you aren't. I fought hard and I was losing.

Doug calls me, like every evening, we talk until we both get home. I tell him everything, I am done with God. He turned his back on me, etc. He is in shock and just didnt' know what to say. I was sobbing and not making any sense. When he gets home, I am in the bed just a mess. So, he climbs in and just holds me. Then he made sense of it all.

I read my friends letter in the completely wrong context. I didn't look at the time line. In the middle of August, I finally let it all go and said, "You lead, I'll follow" and things started changing. My friend had her ~revelation~ in July but was fighting a losing battle with should she tell me. By then, I had already starting on the right path. I was doing more, feeling better, restoring faith. But in moment of weakness, I forgot that, just for a day, but that day was enough. I needed to know that I was on the right path. Doug starts pointing out all the "I am still here when you need Me" signs.

I realized last night, I should feel blessed. I didn't deserve that, but she did it anyway. It blows my mind. Then the clarity came, I have been selfish. I pray for myself and those around me but not like I should. I need to pray for them like my friend prayed for me. I need to ask for their blessings to be received and not on my own. Last night was my turning point and my defining moment. I started with those closest to me and I will continue until their prayers are answered. It is the least I can do.

So, Mirror, Mirror on the wall, will the person I see keep giving her all? The answer is, Yes. My defining moment, where I had to make a choice, was last night. I know that it is God who is my strength and when I take my eyes off Him, I am in darkness.

Thank you doesn't even seem to cover the gratitude I have for all the women in my life who help me make it through. You are my earthly strength and I really feel God brought you all in my life for a reason. I may not know the full extent yet, but I will trust that He will show me, in His time.

::UPDATE:: Um, beware that good intentions from others may come with unexpected draw backs. Prayer can also come out of judgement. Even the Pharisees had a strong prayer life.


jenn said...

I don't even know where to start with this post- in such a good way. Even though I don't believe in religion- I am so touched by your faith and the strength of your beliefs. Although you thought you had lost it, it was quickly found. The comfort & help that you get from your faith is very plain to see & I applaud you for being so honest with yourself about why it had gone missing, and for sharing all this with us.

I think that it is beautiful that you & Doug can have moments like this where you share everything with each other & truly become each other's rock.

Anonymous said...

Wow Tammy....what an amazing post...you have reminded me how much we have to count on God and how we HAVE to give everything to Him...thanks for the reminder! Hang in there :)
Sarah (chuckandsarah)

rocket.queen. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

You have always been an inspiration to me to persevere. No matter what life throws at me, don't give up and never allow it to shake my beliefs.

You have a very special place in my heart and this is a perfect example of why. It is a beautiful thing, your deep roots in faith and your unfailing ability to shake off the burdens that life throws at you. We all have moments of weakness and you always seem to pull through stronger each time.

My heart aches for you and your struggle, and just know you are in my thoughts and prayers constantly.