"Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say."
"Always look on the bright side of life?"
"No, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.'"

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

"Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing it..."

I too express this sentiment but I express it after 40 months and 29 cycles of TTC.

Yes, I did get upset after 6 cycles with nothing to show for it but I didn't question why I was doing it. I knew without a doubt it was because I wanted a child.

After 9 cycles, I started getting angry, 'why me?' Never was it why am I doing this.

After 12 cycles, I was bitter and mean. I hated all pregnant women, I wanted to crawl under a rock and live there, and the 'why me?' became an anthem to me. Once again, never why am I doning this but when will it happen.

After 20 cycles, I gave up. I had to stop and get my head together because I didn't like the person I was becoming. I still wanted a child and I still needed to TTC but I had to step away and regroup. Never did I ask why I kept trying, I still knew.

Now at 30 cycles, I am bitter, my heart hurts, I cry for no reason, I am envious of everyone who gets to have the dream that keeps elluding me. My souls is bruised, my faith has been beat to the ground, my hope is in a coma and I don't know when it will come out. BUT....

I know why I am putting myself through all the tests, the pills, the hormones, the temping, the a PingOAS, the obsession at 3DPO, the prayers at 7DPO that I really did O, the crying, the heartache, the anger, the sadness, the holding my breathe, the falling apart in public... I know that I do it because a child is the end result. I will keep going and keep doing and keep trying until I get what I know is meant to be, a baby. I am trading in my anthem of 'why me?' for 'when me?'

Until then, I know why ".... I keep doing this..." and I will not stop...


Kat said...

Cheers for Tammy....very well said =)

Tammy's Thought Pattern said...

Thank you Kat...

Things are about to get "un-peaceful"

jennifercarol said...

Tammy, I wish I had some moving words of wisdom that would just make all of this better. But I don't. All I can say is that I'm really pulling for you honey...you so deserve it.

And I've missed you earlier today. It gets kind of dull without your sarcasm.