I have so much going on in my head and heart but words escape me.
I am in my ovulation window and terrified out of my mind. I wish I could just skip to the pain of the BFN and go from there. I just can't hope right now.
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Trying to cope with TTC and all of life's other trials... "Have you had your meds today?" Pvb. 17:22
From My Mom
No flesh of my flesh,
No bone of my bone.
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for one single minute,
You didn't grown under my heart,
But in it.
unknown
No bone of my bone.
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for one single minute,
You didn't grown under my heart,
But in it.
unknown
Blog Archive
Who I Read
About Me
- Tammy
- I am a 30-something wanna-be mommy who married her 'true north' and is just trying to find herself while going through this whirlwind called life.
Cliff Notes of Me
1975 - The world was graced with my presence ~ Four days later I went home with my new mommy and daddy
1985 - I finally realized what adoption really meant.
1995 - In July, I found my biological mother and family.
2000 - I married my 'matching bookend'
2003 - My infertility journey began
Present Day - I am still close with all my family and I am truly blessed
1985 - I finally realized what adoption really meant.
1995 - In July, I found my biological mother and family.
2000 - I married my 'matching bookend'
2003 - My infertility journey began
Present Day - I am still close with all my family and I am truly blessed
Our Journey
July '98 - DH and I met for the first time
July '99 - DH and I move in together ~ and get engaged
May '00 - Married w/ mandated 3 year wait on baby ~ The only b/c used counting and CM checks
April '01 - I see the PCP, I can't stop gaining weight. I diet, eat right, nothing helps. I am healthy, stop worrying about it. I see the OB and question my long cycles, weight gain, facial hair. First love wand u/s; nothing. The doc says I am healthy, stop worrying.
June '02 - I again question the doc about my long cycles, missing periods, the 85 lbs. of extra weight in 4 years with a healthier diet. Why don't we need b/c? I am healthy, stop worrying
Aug '02 - I get the name of an OB from a friend ~ My hero. I ask about the weight gain, lack of periods, heavy periods, facial hair and why am I not pregnant we are careless not careful ~ PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Blood work to confirmed it, he Dx'd me in 3 minutes. I fall in love with my OB/GYN. :o) Metformin, chart for 4 months, come back. TTC officially begins.
March '03 - Ovulation? lol Clomid for the first time ~ 50 mg.
May '03 - 100 mg of Clomid - DH has really good s/a
June '03- 100 mg of Clomid, Metformin sucks, I become close friends w/ my toilet. Lose weight because that will help TTC. Try for a year; if no BFP, come back.
Aug '03 - Bad accident, 6 months to even have a bad sex life.
May '05 - Still struggling financially from the accident, I give up TTC. The heartbreak it is too much for me, No b/c
Feb '06 - My mother dies suddenly, the pain of her never being a grandmother is too much to handle, life is a bit out of control. I start therapy several months later
May '06 - Charting again, my PCP puts me on Actos for the PCOS and Welbutrin for depression.
Oct '06 - Go to Dr. Wonderful and w/ a plan. I am beyond his expertise; need to see a RE, PCOS specialty. I find WebMD and start learning more than I ever wanted to know about TTC and reproduction.
Nov '06 - I see the RE for the first time and like him a lot. Scheduled for my first major test, give more blood... PCOS
Jan '07 - HSG all clear, no blockage slight endo, normal range
Feb '07 - 100 mg Clomid - nothing
March '07 - 150 mg Clomid - O!
May '07 - 150 mg Clomid - O! - IUI #1 BFN
June '07 - 150 Clomid - O! S/A redone, not good, no IUI
Nov'07 - 150 mg Clomid - O! - IUI #2 BFN
Dec '07 - DH has u/s and b/w... u/s clear, no issues
Jan '08 - S/A comes back worse, low testosterone ~ 25 mg of Clomid fix the problem, hopefully. Go back in 3 months for another s/a... TAB until May 2008, no prevention.
April '08 - BFP for two days, chemical preganncy after 100 day cycle. This sucked.
May '08 - Clomid Cycle with timed BDing - BFN
June '08 - S/A improved Clomid working great but Arimidex has been added. Clomid Cycle, timed BDing. RE visit on June 26.
July - Sept '08 - RE says two medicated cycles, it no BFP, then the third IUI will be scheduled. Please, Lord, let it work.
Design by: FinalSense
7 comments:
Oh Tam. I wish I could come give you a hug right now. There really is no escaping any of these feelings.
That's what friends are for. We can hope for you when you aren't able.
{{Hugs.}}}
oh honey- great big hugs!!! I'm sorry you are here right now. I will hold on to hope for you so you can ignore her completely.
You look like you need a (((HUG)))
I hope the clomid works for you, My fingers are crossed.
really? Is it just because NOW is the time? But if you do it, you know that you did all you could.
I'm sorry this is tough for you. ~hugs~
I know that feeling hun....the "hope" that the first cycle post m/c will be the one...the fear and realization that it might not be, and worst of all the dread that if it does happen, IT will happen again ((hugs))
I have decided that no matter what, I can't change what is supposed to happen so I need to just let it go and stop stressing. Being sick helps but not a whole lot. I am like Jenn, I don't want hope but I can't help but have her.
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