Count My Blessings?

Okay tonight at praise team practice, our director pulled out an ~oldie~ that was also a “staple song” (any song that seemed to be sung to death or sung with incredible frequency, no matter which church you were in) when I was growing up Baptist. (When I started dating DH, moving over to his church was a requirement, so I maintain my beliefs, I just actively go to a Church of Christ. Please, no gasps, and no I don’t think we are the only church going to heaven.) Anyway, I digress.

“Count Your Blessing” is the song and I am having a hard time with it emotionally. I see my blessings but is it wrong to want just one more?

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Okay, this first part of the song is basically saying, to me, the storms of life my knock you over, but instead of dwelling on the negative, look at all the positive around you and you will be surprised at how much you really do have in your life that is positive.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,

And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Now, this is where I start to get a bit cynical. I am caring a burden around. It is heavy and some days I would love to be able to get rid of it. Once again, it is calling for me to dwell on the positive. Yet, even seeing the positive, I can’t say that my doubts are aswaged. I doubt we will ger pregnant naturally because nature and blood work are pointing in that direction (Don’t give me the, “You never know” crap, I believe it could happen on some realm of reality, but I am not counting on it happening.). Will I still keep my faith and “sing” through my pain, yes, but some days they are songs of sorrow.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;

Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy

Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high

At least I have my health? Does living with IF constitute “Having my health”? I don’t think so. I am not asking for money, just a baby. I do look at others and want what they have, in terms of family. Is this covetess? I’m not sure. I don’t look at them and want bad things to happen so I can have a child; thought, I do long to feel that same overabundance of love for a child. I just feel the emptiness of my own womb.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,

Do not be disheartened, God is over all;

Count your many blessings, angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

It all seems to boil down to this last section. Do not be discouraged or faint of heart. I just need to keep my thoughts on the small vicotries in my life and refocus away from the negatives. Stop looking at the forest for once. Focus on the individual trees that make up the forest and eventually peace will come as the whole picture finally become clear. No matter where my journey takes me, I am not alone in this. I will get the comfort I need at the time I need it.

What started out as a “suck it up” song became more of a “this too shall pass”. I pray for God’s will but my heart cries out for DH to florish on his treatment. Show us that we are not relegated to a life without children. Let us be the model. Or just give me a sign. That is all I want, a sign that I am on the right path. Is that too much to ask for?