Sunday was rough for me.
I had a plan. It was a good plan. I had faith. I trusted that God was going to give us that + on the stick. Even though I saw the signs, I still had faith. Maybe I was one of the odd ones who had a + and a temp drop. Maybe.
So, I was going to get the booties and the stick, place it in a small box, hand it to DH and say, "Happy Birthday, Daddy."
I had a plan. I didn't get to use it. AF showed. A pregnancy was announced. A sermon about the joys of family, babies, and celebration.
Sunday was not a day of rest.
The tears fell as a dear friend stood by. The IUI didn't work. More appointments with doctors. My weakness is wrong. I should rejoice in my sorrow. I shouldn't let the pain in my heart surface.
It did. And it hurt. It welled up like a fountain until it overtook my soul and the tears fell like rain.
It wasn't why me, or why not. I know why, it wasn't the right time. I know that in my head, but my heart hasn't caught up yet.
Give me a few days to grieve the child that didn't happen. Give me that one moment to go to the corner and pray as I tend to my ~wounds~. Give me the chance to recoup to hope again.
My faith is not lost. My hope is not gone. They are resting. My soul is being soothed and cradled as I inwardly sob. I am being comforted deep down because I see the prize. I press on and I know it is mine.
My prayers for others continue through my hurt and it brings solace. Others are in pain, in need, their wounded souls having trouble moving on. I pray for them, letting Him soothe my anguish.
So bring on the rain, wash away the tears, let the sun shine again. I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and rejoice again.
Just give me a few days to heal.
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6 comments:
oh hon- I'm sorry you had such a day. I'm sorry you've had such a year(s). I hope it gets better soon.
"Give me a few days to grieve the child that didn't happen." - I think this sums up a lot of our thoughts & emotions.
omg! that totally expresses how I feel every time AF comes. I've just never been able to put my feelings into words. And you did it so beautifully. Thank you!
That was beautiful, it spoke to my sole. I ~puffy heart~ you.
(Clicked through from the Creme list.) I've had so many of those "plans" that I never got to carry out.
I came via the creme. Thanks for this post. I think we all have had days like this. It certainly doesn't make it easier though.
You wrote this so well. That is how I feel every time I hit Day One again.
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