"Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say."
"Always look on the bright side of life?"
"No, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.'"

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Marriage and friendship, in all its wonderful and sometimes flawed glory

My husband and I have had our ups and downs. I have faults, he has faults, and we play off of each other. If I am in a foul mood, he will mirror it. Negativity is catchy. There were times when we want to strangle each other because of my need for independence. It has taken me a long time to learn to lean on Doug through the hard times; even when we fight.

Most females have one or two really close friends we can tell anything. Someone to agree with us in the heat of the moment, even if they think we're wrong. It is easy to "hate-talk" about a spouse when we're angry, but if that friend is true, they know it is the frustration talking not the heart. They come back to us after the storm has passed and tell us the truth good, bad or ugly. We never expect those conversations to comeback and attempt to haunt us. As with any past experience, we have to allow them to haunt us, we give them that power. Well, this time, I am not doing it.

I received an email yesterday from a former friend. She is very sad, lonely and haunted by her own personal demons. I was accused of being selfish, malicious towards others, backstabbing, and basic enemy-like behaviours. I replied with a bit of malice and pointedness, but after sleeping on it, I realize I feel sorry for her. Yet, I go back to something a teacher once said in high school, "We always despise in others, what we cannot change in ourselves."

The majority of the problems that arose during my rocky relationship with this girl came from dealing with marital issues/problems; hers. She repeated cheated on her husband, brought a boyfriend to our wedding, convinced me that her husband was a controlling egomaniac who verbal, physically, and emotionally abused her. She was the way she was because of the way everyone treated her. Every once in a while she admitted fault but it was always prologued with blaming the other person for her actions. It became exhausting at times. About a year ago, she changed, she became the friend I remembered in high school. It was refreshing. I felt like we grew up and had an adult relationship. I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

She is still using people, lying, cheating, blaming others, refusing to own up to the fact that she screwed up her own life. Because of this, she is lashing out at others and creating a train wreck in her life. She has lost her house, her car, her husband, a job, etc. Her bad decisions have come back to haunt her and she has no one to blame but herself.

I have made many mistakes; I still do. I have done things in my life that I am not proud of in any way. Yet, I have paid my dues, done my penance, asked for forgiveness and moved on. I will probably repeat this process many times in my lifetime.

There comes a time when we need to acknowledge toxic behaviors and run from them; in others and in ourselves. If we have a friend that hangs around and we notice when they are there we fight with our S.O., step back and find out why. We might be surprised at what we find.

I guess my point is, a spouse is who we chose as our life partner, til death. If we let others affect that relationship in a negative way, we are not only letting ourselves down but the person we love the most.


nancy said...

Good for you. I think it is VERY wise to just let her go. No matter how much you wish she could be that friend you once had, bottom line is she is not. Especially glad you not only took down that last post, but you realize that it's feeding negativity into your own marriage. Don't let her do that to you. She is SO not worth it.

Tammy's Thought Pattern said...

I decided that I was stooping to her level so I took it down as soon as I got home yesterday.

I know that some people aren't judgemental but others maybe and I don't need that kind of grief.