Normal Is Just a Setting On My Dryer

New blog

2010-06-07T22:29:00.001-04:00

http://learningtoholdontofaith.blogspot.com/

Can We Pay You to Baby-sit Indefinitely?

2009-01-21T11:28:00.003-05:00

Wow… and a swirling mind is what came out of last night’s mandatory fos.ter-to-ad.opt class.

In the lovely state of O.hi.o, the child welfare system seems to have an anal cavity fetish. Yes, they really need to climb all the way into your intestines to make sure that you know you are not the parent of the child and you basically have no rights. You, my friends, are a highly overpaid babysitter. If you don’t believe me, here is my proof.

Example 1:

Little Billy is 6 years old. He forgets to tell you on Friday that they have a field trip to the zoo the following Friday. He is 6; this is not a big surprise. On Wednesday, you find the permission slip in his pants pocket before laundry is placed in the washer. It is 8:30 pm, it has to be turned in by 9:00 am Thursday. Crap! Billy is not going to get to go on that field trip unless you can get a hold of the on call caseworker at your agency, who in turn must get in touch with the county caseworker to sign said permission slip.

Yes, you read that right, you may be the foster parent but you cannot give the child permission to go to the zoo. You don’t have the right to make that decision, only a county worker can. Sorry, Billy, everyone in the class gets to go but you. Too bad.

Example 2:

Mike is 15 years old. He decides he doesn’t like your church and he wants to go to a church that is clear across town. You cannot tell him, no, or force him to go to your church. You ARE allowed to let him catch the public transportation at the end of your street to get to that church with no permission, notification or okay by the county. Bye Mike, hope you don’t get mugged or beat when you are in the heart of the city. (We have a HUGE problem with fights and crime at the main hub in our town.)

Example 3:

You and your husband have gone out on a date (first one in months) and you are home really late. You have left Missy at your parents (they have passed the background check and can act as a babysitter). Instead of waking Missy at 12:30 in the morning, you want to leave her there.

Think again. Missy can only stay over night at an approved Respite foster family. Your parents aren’t. OH, and if she is old enough she can have a sleep over at a friend house but she still cannot sleep over at your parents house.

Fun times.

Example 4:

You and your family go on 5 camping trips a summer with various groups or family. When Ann joins your family, she wants to be in Brownies with your biological daughter so she can go camping. You are the assistant so you think, sure, why not? Nope, think again. Ann can’t be in Brownies until the caseworker allows it. The “primary” mother may not want the child to go camping.

Sorry, Ann, you can’t be a Brownie and I have to find Respite care for you while the whole family goes on a trip. You are part of the family but only at home not on trips. (Let’s add that Ann has attachment and abandonment issues. Everyone she loves leaves her. “Well, kid, too bad. You aren’t coming with us because you aren’t good enough,” is what she gets out of that whole scenario. Once again, fun times.)

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Now, our agency will do the best they can to help these situation resolve in a positive manner but ultimately, the caseworker has complete say so. If we get a caseworker with their head in their butt, well, that child is not going to have a chance to grow and flourish in our home.

So, our decision is final, only 3 and under and only if there is a 95% chance that the child will be in our permanent custody by the time they are in school. We do not want to be a highly paid babysitter to a school age child.

4 Down... A lot more to go... ::UPDATE::

2009-01-14T13:09:00.007-05:00

1. Orientation - 2
2. Case Management and Teambuilding - 3
3. Child Abuse, Neglect and the Impact on Child Development - 3
4. Attachment, Separation, and Placement - 3
5. Discipline and Managing Behavior - 3
6. De-escalation and Policies and Procedures - 2
7. Cultural Issues in Placement - 3
8. Caring for a Child that has been Sexually Abused - 2.5
9. Effects of Caregiving on the Family and Primary Families - 3
10. Permanency Issues for Children and Families - 3
11. Educational Advocacy - 2
12. Infant, Child and Adult CPR and First Aid - 6.5 (next Saturday)

Will we really survive all this? And can someone tell me how on earth teen/single mothers/parents are allowed to NOT have to take these classes, too? If it were mandatory for state aid, would less kids be in foster care? Kinda makes me wonder.

Hopefully, We Will Have a Little Boy for Our Dogs.

2009-01-12T09:58:00.001-05:00

see more puppies

Information overload.

2009-01-07T09:34:00.000-05:00

I am amazed at the incompetence of state chi.ld wel.fare, also known as the Fos.ter Care system, in O.hi.o. If a social worker with the state knows that they are removing a child, why would you not try and “quietly” find a family member to take the child before you grab them and move them around a couple of times before they are in their ‘permanent’ foster family? I just don’t understand.

Anyway, we have found a gem of an agency that really takes pride in the children that come in and out of their care. In fact, they went for part of a state grant to help work with bi.olo.gic.al families and ended up with the whole thing. They have a 100% graduation/GED rate for all their teens getting ready to age out. They are all about treating the whole person not just sticking kids in just any home. I like that.

DH and I have a lot of red tape and hurdle if we are going to be able to adopt the little boy we want. I really think it is worth it though.

So, the goal is to get as much done as soon as we can get it done. If we end up with the child we want, Yay, but we are prepared for it to take a while, too.

Here is a list of classes we need to take:

1. Orientation - 2
2. Case Management and Teambuilding - 3
3. Child Abuse, Neglect and the Impact on Child Development - 3
4. Attachment, Separation, and Placement - 3
5. Discipline and Managing Behavior - 3
6. De-escalation and Policies and Procedures - 2
7. Cultural Issues in Placement - 3
8. Caring for a Child that has been Sexually Abused - 2.5
9. Effects of Caregiving on the Family and Primary Families - 3
10. Permanency Issues for Children and Families - 3
11. Educational Advocacy - 2
12. Infant, Child and Adult CPR and First Aid - 6.5

We have 2 down, 34 more to go. Phew… this is going to be a long several months. I am so excited though.

In Honor of DH's Grandmother

2009-01-05T13:01:00.001-05:00

I hope that DH doesn’t get too upset that I am sharing this story but it touched me in so many ways when I heard it.

In my family, we are surrounded by adoption. Big Dad, Little Dad (and his brothers) and FIL are all adopted. DH has a cousin who adopted. Then there is me. Yep… I am the closest person to me that knows the ups and downs.

This is about FILs mother. She longed to have a little girl to complete her family. She and G-pa signed up at an unwed mothers home and patiently waited… for 12 years.

Every spring, G-ma would get out the baby clothes, for a baby girl of course, and she washed them, pressed them and put them in their place in the dresser. She did this every year until they got the call; we have a baby girl for you.

I can only imagine this ritual done every year slowing tearing away at G-ma’s heart, her faith, and her joy. Yet if it did, she did suffered in silence. Inwardly, she was Hannah. Every spring she threw herself on the temple stairs and wailed for God to give her a girl. No one knew to see on the outside. She was reserved by nature, but I know her pain.

Her temple was simulated through the spring routine. She may not have realized this in her mind, but I see it in her actions. God blessed her with her little girl in his time; just as Samuel was given to Hannah.

I know now that I am willing to be a parent to a child, biological or not. I think that God has brought me to my knees to show me that the path of those around me can be the path I need to take.

So now, I move on to the next stage in my journey to mommy and pray that God will send me a basket among the reeds filled with the sounds of a child that is meant for both DH and myself. And though I didn’t know G-ma in her days of youth, only in her latter days, I wish I could tell her, “I understand and admire you more just for being you.”

Oh my goodness! It does go to God's ears!

2008-12-31T15:41:00.002-05:00

One hurdle down and a million more to go.

The Fos.ter/Ado.ption Age.ncy called and said they would love to work with our "unique situation". The ado.ption coordinator is out of the office until Monday but I will hear from her then and then Tuesday is the orientation.

Oh my... am I allowed to cry? I feel like I am on the table with the OB love wand and they just told me the egg is a 23 and to trigger it.

Eek. Okay... um.. this is me not getting my hopes up. I am just too pathetic, huh? Oh well.

Dear Mi.rah Ri.ben, of Ad.voc.ate Pub.lis.hing: UPDATED

2008-12-30T14:33:00.011-05:00

I have explored your websites; I now know why you commented the way you did.

Shame on you! No, I will not publish your comment because it will only inflame my frustration at your kind. I researched you. I demand that you stay away from my blog. I am sorry is your personal daughter's relinquishment went poorly and that she wanted no contact with you whatsoever. I am also sorry that she is no longer living. But... just because you are miserable in your own life and experiences does not give you the right to spew your hate, anger and vile opinions on anyone who is not like minded.

Spread your ignorant, self-loathing, anti-adoption manure elsewhere.

Tammy

Does Saying it Out Loud Send it to God's Ears?

2008-12-29T14:09:00.003-05:00

I received a beautiful email from a friend that actually put my mind at ease that DH and I are really making the right move forward. I was soothed by her words and what she said really made me feel, well, hugged.

I know I have lurkers and people that read my blog that I don’t know about, or am not supposed to know about. I was remiss at first to post anything that could give insight to our future leaning. I think that I am being unfair to myself by worrying what others may think so here goes. I need to share this because I need to know that there are others out there that silently or verbally support us.

DH and I are in the depth of contemplation. We know that a biological child will be very hard to conceive so we are contemplating whether we should become a living cliché. Adopt and then you will get pregnant.

Between the funeral services and Christmas, DH and I became aware of a 2 yr old that will be available for ado.pt.ion in a short period of time (several months). He is Caucasian and, well, that is a big deal to us. It is hard enough adopting but harder still trying to adapt to parenting and learning a brand new culture at the same time. Frankly, we are just not up for that. Some people are blessed with the gift of being able to do both but we are not part of that group.

Anyway, DH came to me and asked if I was interested in trying to adopt this beautiful little boy. He said that he wanted to be a parent not just a parent to a baby. My heart was full. A relative of DH knows him and his family just wants him to go to a home that will love him. I think we can manage that one just fine. There is the possibility of a sibling, too, but right now I just want to focus on the boy. DH and I think that it would be best for a closed ado.pt.ion and we will send his grandparents updates and pictures through the fos.ter/ad.op.tio.n agency. It would be in his best interest

As an adoptee, I know how he will feel, how he could think, and what he will need. It is funny for me to see so many bitter, angry and spiteful some adult adoptees have become as they age. My FILs sister is one of them. Her anger and resent is astounding.

I want him to know about his birthparents, no matter how he ended up in foster care. He needs to know that she is not an evil person but flawed like everyone else.

I used to wonder as a teenager if my life would have been better if my mom would have kept me. I can’t say that it would. I would have been a constant reminder to her and dad of a painful experience. I may have even been resented for being in their lives at the time. I don’t know if it would have been like that but I do know that I love the relationship we have as adults. My only regret for my life was not growing up with my sisters. That is the part I think was the hardest. That is why I would be open to getting the sibling of the child (baring no major ill effects from being birthed to an addict).

I don’t want to stop trying for a biological child but this is something that I can control (in an incontrollable way). It isn’t waiting to see if the sperm met egg or if the embryo implanted. At some point we would end up with a child (I hope). And I really think that if we wait, age will be a factor.

I want to enjoy a child while I still have the energy. Better yet, I want to enjoy a child while my in laws still have energy.

I have contacted an agency for fos.ter/ado.pt.ion agency (run by a friend) and we will go from there. So, for those of you who pray, pray we are being led in the right direction. For those who don’t have a certain faith, just said good wishes and karma boosters. I may even rub a Buddha belly for good measure, who knows… :o)

Christmas is Over but I am Still at the In Laws

2008-12-28T00:11:00.002-05:00

Dh says I am Being good. I am trying to be good and they are just trying. Yep... they trying to kill me mentally. Ugh.

We had to bring all but one dog due to the "...must have the rabies shot..." rule at our boarder. Yep, that won't happen again. Otis is just too much for MIL and FIL to hand when he is rambunctious.

On an odd note, DH and I were approached with a twisting in our parenting fate. I am not ready to share it with everyone since we, ourselves, are not sure what, if anything, will come to fruition. No, I am not pregnant. There is no Christmas miracle but I have had a bit of an eye opener.

It is so funny to me that I picked the "Adoption may not be the answer" post for the "Creme de la Creme. In fact, it is down right ironic. The next day DH and I decide that maybe adoption is the answer. Or, it is a definite possibility.

Here is the bottom line on adoption for us, and I know a lot of people would not agree with me but, we want a Caucasian child. Yes, that makes things harder but I will not budge. I know what it is like to be different and, frankly, I don't think I am willing to go through all the new "learning" needed for a child. Learning to be parents is more important that learning a new culture on top of that. I know how that makes me sound but I know what I can handle.

Anyway, we have decided to keep TTC but open our thoughts to adoption, too. We just need prayer that God will lead us to the right choice.

Christmas Gift for MIL

2008-12-18T09:01:00.002-05:00

I know that MIL does not read my blog so I think I am safe in putting up pictures.

MIL loves everything Shih Tzu. Doug’s ‘replacement’ was a Shih Tzu named, Pepper, and it is spoiled rotten.

Pepper is 14 years old and not in good health and may not be around too much longer. So I decided I would make MIL a stuffed Shih Tzu the same (well the closest I could get) colors as Pepper.

I am putting a picture up because I am actually proud of how cute it turned out. I wasn’t so sure it would. I hope she likes it.

RE update

2008-12-16T15:24:00.001-05:00

I was not thrilled with my RE in anyway as I left his office on the 4th. I feel like we are a small fish and that their bread and butter is really IVF. In their defense though, I was sick and not in the mood for bull crap; I wanted it straight.

So here is the news:

2250 mg of Metformin, up from 1500

Loss of weight is a plus

DH has issues so really IUI is in our best interest

IVF is probably our best option but my fat butt could keep it from being successful

Clomid works but my thinned lining is bad so we will switch to Femera after the first of the year and do a monitored IUI

Injectibles are the next step after that but it will make my fat butt fatter so maybe that is not the best idea… and it is expensive

My ovary pain is from my fat butt not controlling the PCOS so it too is getting fat

I should lose weight

oh, and 35 is not necessary the drop dead date for IF

And finally, I should lose weight

Now, any fat girl with PCOS knows that telling me to lose weight is like saying, “Run a marathon with no training.” I have tried. I have failed. I am tired of failing. And having every hyperthyroid symptom but no blood work that backs it up is not helping.

My next step it to beg, plead, cry, scream, bribe, whatever to get some sort of weight loss surgery. I swear I will even starve myself if it will get me pregnant. I just have one question, how on earth do all those women with a gaggle of kids who make me look small get pregnant?

Updates: Pickle Buckets, Periods and Parents

2008-12-16T09:37:00.001-05:00

It started on Thursday evening and went though until Sunday night, at least at our house.

I came home from work on Thursday feeling very sensitive in the stomach area, a heavy feeling really. So, I lie down and told DH that I needed to let my stomach settle a bit and then I would get up and make dinner. (I figured it was premenstrual nausea. I was on CD21 and, well, lately that is a late cycle.)

Dinner never manifested on my side. Nope. Within 2 hours of being home, I had it coming up and out. Projectile. It was bad and I will leave it at that. DH was a real trooper. He cleaned up and washed really well to make sure that he wouldn’t get it. He went out and got ginger ale and noodle soup just in case I got hungry. (I am a ‘leave me alone’ sick person so he gets off easy with me and honestly we thought it was food poisoning.)

Saturday morning we get up to go to the P.M.O. Show at Pur.due (we go every year) and DH is acting a bit off. I should have known but he was pretty good at hiding it… until right before Ind.ian.apolis.

“Grab the pickle bucket.”

“What?”

“The pickle bucket, grab it.”

“Pull over.”

“I will. Grab the bucket.”

“Pull over, now!”

“The bucket!”

It was the 36-hour stomach/intestinal flu. I told DH that giving it to him was not my intention but he did give me his cold, so now were even.

We did get pulled over in time and I was dumb enough to listen to him when he said that he could make it to the show and be fine but we would come home instead of eating with the in laws. He was not fine and missed the last half of the show. Well, he heard it from the bathroom stall.

MIL was her normal overly hovering self and basically made it sound like DH was hours from dehydration and death and called at least 5 times in 24 hours checking on him. (She is a very overprotective mother of 1.) We found out yesterday that FIL now has it. Can I just say we really know how to share the love? Needless to say, it was a huge lesson in communicable disease.

All is better in our household but now AF is here (CD25 she showed up) but at least it was before Christmas. Out monitoring will begin in January but I will write more about the doctor appointment in the next post.

We also received the news that DH’s grandmother finally passed away yesterday morning. He found out yesterday at work when his dad called:

“Are you busy right now?”

“Well, I am working.”

“Okay. So, Mom died.”

“What? Who?”

“Mom died.”

About 30 seconds of silence followed by this:

“Do you mean Grandma?”

“Yeah. Mom.”

We know it wasn’t on purpose but talk about scaring the living crap out of your kid. Doug was in shock until FIL clarified that he meant Grandma. She has gone home and her suffering is gone so it really should be a season of rejoicing not sadness.

Our maybe babies will not have any great grandparents but hopefully they will have 5 grandparents to spoil them rotten.

I think that is the big update. The doctor update will come either later today or tomorrow.

"Oh, no! The Turkey!"

2008-11-29T21:34:00.002-05:00

My four-day weekend started with… well, angry words, and for the first time I actually threw something in the direction that DH had been. I am not proud of that though, it was 75% my fault.

What, you may say, would make me lose all sense and throw a plastic cup? It was turkey. Yep, that blessed Thanksgiving fare, was out of the package and being dined on by every one in the family that was covered in fur. AND… it wasn’t cooked! Raw meat. Yay. (On maybe a related note, Otis has a bug and has been sleeping and barely eating. If he doesn’t get better by Monday morning, we have a vet visit in our future.

I forgot that the turkey was in the box out on the deck when I let out the “pack” for 5 minutes. That is all it took. Cheyenne was the brute strength used for the grabbing and dragging and everyone else helped with the shredding of the package and dining. (Is this when I mention that it was a free-range, organic turkey from the local turkey farm?) So, we had Thanksgiving Saturday with just the in-laws and us. Dad and his wife didn’t make it and I am sorting out why I felt relieved.

I was able to get some of my Christmas stuff sewn up and I have a table runner that looks like huge ornament balls. Tomorrow we will put up the tree and outside stuff.

DH and his dad put up a sliding gate on the deck so I can lock the dogs in the yard when we are not out there. It gets cold enough in the winter that we put pop, milk, juice and stuff on the deck to stay cold sometimes. I don’t need a repeat with other food.
Hopefully Christmas will be less eventful… lol

I am truly thankful that I have been blessed with a husband who will not let me stay in an irrational state. He is willing to block the deck and not let me leave in an angry rage and then hug me after I have said horrible things I don't mean. And one who fries a really mean turkey. Oh my, was it wonderful.

Mother Nature and Her Evil Twin Aunt Flo - ::UPDATED::

2008-11-21T11:43:00.003-05:00

A phone conversation between Aunt Flo and Mother Nature, the evil sisters.

AF: Hey there, Sis.

MN: Hi, it’s been a while. What have you been up to?

AF: Oh, this and that, nothing big, just doin’ my monthly round of visits. I have a question for you.

MN: Okay, ask away.

AF: When a woman has PCOS what is my role in her monthly visit?

MN: Well, let me get out the PCOS: Guide to Frustration. I love this book. There is so much I can use in it to reek havoc. Hmm… Let’s see. Cycles. Okay, here it is. You have three options here. First, an extremely long cycle, or what an RE calls a ‘missing cycle’. Second, you can come willy nilly several times in a month. That one is my personal favorite. Or the third one, a ‘normal’ cycle but don’t let her know she isn’t ovulating. I love that one, too.

AF: Oh, they are all so very nice and definitely frustrating to women. Which one should I choose though? Hmmm. Any suggestions?

MN: I say you stick around for 7 days and then 12 days after you leave, come back for another 7 days. If you repeat this several times, you might actually get the woman to lose her mind.

AF: How perfectly devious! I love it! I know just the right person. I gave her the long cycle treatment for years. I think I should return to the repeat cycles in a month mode. She was 13 the last time I did that. Oooo, she is going to hate me. I can’t wait.

MN: Well, I am glad I could help. Don’t stay away so long next time. I love our conversations.

AF: Me, too. Chat with you soon.

******************************************

She's Heeerrrreeee! CD19. Third period in 36 days. That's it, I am calling the RE.

******************************************

I spoke with the Nurse Practitioner at my RE's office and I go in on December 4 for testing and a look-see. Hopefully we will find out why I am bleeding every 18 days for 7-8 days at a time. I will update as I know something.

Ramblings and another AF

2008-11-21T09:50:00.004-05:00

First, thank you girls for the hugs, it meant a lot over the last several days. I think with the holidays it is just making it harder on me. This will be the first Thanksgiving in a while that has just been the un-laws and us.

Now I guess I will need to indent each point (I can never get the bullets to show up).

I am trying to get motivated to get my house cleaned before Thanksgiving but that is not worked too well. I just don’t have the energy. I think DH needs to get me good and pissed so I can go on a cleaning rampage (Just kidding, hun, don’t do it, really)

I have a new office space. I really like it because I have a crap load of room but I don’t like that my back is to the door and all can see my monitor. Guess my web surfing days are over.

My office mate is driving me absolutely ape- [crap]. I am serious. I am about one bad PMS bout away from actually chucking crap at her. I am what one could call a scattered organized worker. I know that is an oxymoron but I am weird that way. I could have several stacks of papers and folders strung a crossed my desk and I can tell you where everything is located. Not now. Nope. I am being forced into organization. I was basically told my desk reminds them of Pig Pen from Peanuts and that I couldn’t possibly function in such disarray.

Not that I am one to play the victim but my office mate does not realize that people think and organize differently. She actually said to me I should keep things spread out so I don’t look cluttered and I will learn to love this way of neat organization. Never mind the fact that my stuff needs to be within reach, nope. I need to have it LOOK uncluttered, not just neat. I know our owner said I need to be a bit less scattered but she is turning into the neatness nazi. I swear I will beat her with my stapler some day.

On the same office topic, I am now being teased and berated when I use multi-syllabic words. Yep, if a word is used that is beyond the comprehension of people in the office, “Big word”, is the response. I was actually told by my boss at one point to use smaller words so people understand me. YET… when a letter or policy needs to be written, I am the one who does it because, as my boss states, “Tammy knows all those big words that higher ups like.” WTH?! Don’t use big words unless it is written? Grrr.
This is a common sentence out of the mouth of my office mate, “We was going out for a delivery….” I think next time she says, “Big word” to me, I will response like this: “I apologized that my vernacular is beyond your comprehension but I refuse to perpetuate ignorance in those that surround me. Further more, I may not have the grammatical prowess of a Rhodes scholar but I do like to view myself as a reasonably intelligent human being. When you can learn to correct your own poor speech patterns, I may desire to carry on a dialog with some relative intelligence with you.”

I woke up yesterday with a throw up sort of migraine, sensitive to light and sound. I am spotting heavy AGAIN at CD19. By the end of today I should have AF again. So lets do the math. In a matter of 36 days, I will have had 3, yes 3, visits from the evil witch and her little dog, too. So, what do I do? Do I call my OB or do I call my RE? This is absolutely, frickin’ crazy. 3 cycles in less than 6 weeks!! WTH?! I think I will call the RE’s office first and they may refer me to the gyno but come on; I went from AF famine to feast on non-medicated cycles.

Finally, if I don’t get with the program, my MIL will not get the stuffed turkey I am making her for Thanksgiving. And, I want to know why my easiest teddy bear pattern every makes the funggliest looking bears? What am I doing wrong? (This question is purely rhetorical.)

I Miss My Mommy.

2008-11-18T11:30:00.002-05:00

I am not sure why this is hitting me harder lately but I really do miss my mom. There are times I forget that we are almost at the three year anniversary of her death.

I struggle because we had a tumultuous relationship. Her manic depression was so overwhelming sometimes, it was all I could do to not run away and not turn back. I have said hateful things like, "I am glad you aren't my biological mother," in a fit of teenage rage. I have not called for weeks because I don't know if happy mom, crazy mom or angry mom will be on the phone.

But I loved her. She was the mom all my friends liked because she could get on our level and have fun (to my utter disdain, lol). She was the crazy one that every thought was funny. I could tell her anything and she might get mad but we would work it out. When I needed to cry, she was there. I was never her "adopted" child; I was her little girl (even when I out grew her and Dad).

I need her advice. Where do we go from here? How many IUI until enough is enough? How long until we just give in to child-free living? How did she handle it when everyone around her got pregnant and had their children when she was still barren with two failed adoptions? How did she not fall apart then? How did she not feel like a bad person for not rejoicing in others' good fortune?

More than anything, I need her hugs and love, telling me that I can still survive with a broken heart, that adoption isn't always the answer and that she will love the fur-babies like grandbabies. I just need reassurance that my feelings are normal from someone who's been there.

*Sigh*... Sometimes I hate the holiday season.

Where's Wal.do? I mean, Ta.mm.y.

2008-11-17T15:38:00.003-05:00

Lol... I just realized, not only was I in a black shirt, with a black fuzzy blanket, I was holding a black-ish dog on my lap... Oops!

So, just to let people know that I really am in there, I am circled in red. BTW, fuzz on boobies that are already large make me look huge... :o)

Perfect Moment Monday

2008-11-17T09:27:00.005-05:00

I thought that this picture said it all. So, in honor of Lori's Perfect Moment Monday, I wanted to add a family picture. We were all cuddled up on the couch watching TV after "mom" had done some cleaning up in the dining room. This is actually a normal occurrence but this is the first time we got a picture of it.

Hope you enjoy.

Much Needed Break from Reality

2008-11-12T08:34:00.002-05:00

Back in September, I got tickets to see Ca.rlo.s Me.nc.ia at the Da.yt.on area Fu.nny Bo.ne. On Monday night, we were out late and had a blast. He is every bit as funny live as he is on Com.edy Cen.tral. There are times when you don't want to laugh but at the same time, it is so dead on. And who doesn't love being called a cracker? It really gave DH and I time to relax and let live slide for a while.

On the TTC front, this past cycle, if you want to call it that, was 7 days of spotting and light flow, none of which could be considered the normal color of AF. And not to get to much TMI but no lining. So I am thinking that the lining has been really thinned by the clomid. I am not sure what we will do, but I think if it is possible, we may do the next cycle as a medicated with an IUI. If not that one then the next.

Just a question though, should I suggest Femara since the clomid is obviously not getting the job done?

Are You Kidding Me? C43 only 18 days.

2008-11-06T10:09:00.002-05:00

Yep, you read that right, I had an 18 day cycle and I am not happy. I like that 35 days of no AF. I am hoping for 9 months of no AF but an 18 day cycle is not going to get that job done, geez!

We are still TAB and apparently mother nature is making sure of that one. Does she need to be such a witch about it though?

Joy in the Morning

2008-10-20T10:00:00.005-04:00

This weekend was not too bad. It would have been better is our local cable company hadn’t had their heads in their rears. It took three days to get a tech to come out and then it took him four hours to leave because he locked his keys in his truck.

Passed all that though, we had our church’s 90th anniversary celebration over Saturday evening and Sunday. It really was a nice service but there are some thoughts that I took out of it that have made me a bit more contemplative.

Our old worship minister, D, was there to help lead the service and I forgot how much I loved his style of leading. This is how DH and I were able to describe him; D has a passion for worship that comes out in the form of music. It envelops his whole being while he is leading the music. It made me realize just because I love music doesn't mean I have passion for it. I admit, music is very much a part of who I am, but I don’t have that passion and I wish I did. Well, I used to but it hasn’t been there for a while now. (On a personal note, D and his wife, L, were the only couple in the church our age while he worked there. I forgot how much fun we had with them until I was able to see them again. We would play games and there were four voices talking at once at times. And laughter… was there ever laughter.)

The songs on Saturday night were flowing and smooth while creating an air of contemplation, introspection and reflection. I loved it. (Thank you, D) It made me reminiscent of going to Vin.yar.d. Doug really wanted to sit with me since I didn’t need to sing on mic but that didn’t happen. He was kinda stuck in the sound booth.

Sunday morning the first part of the service went well. I am still not a fan of old hymns. Well, let me rephrase that. I am not a fan of old hymns done in the old style with the same old music score. I come from a gospel background so there were anticipated harmonies not the ones that just don’t feel natural to me. By the time we got to the newer stuff, it was just awesome. The praise team clicked like we haven’t in a while. I think the emotion of the day really kicked in. I really wish we hadn’t had to leave out some songs.

I must admit I miss singing soprano. I am a decent alto and I am a quick study but I miss my lead lines and singing higher ranges. I am losing my range and it isn’t due to age. That is hard for me. I am also a big fan of three part harmony and frankly, instruments are pretty nice, too. :o)

Onto the contemplativeness brought on by the experience. How do I get passion back into my life? I don’t mean passion as in love, but passion for any one thing? Where did it go? Has the beat down in life damaged my lust for expression? Has the cynicism of life changed me that much? Is it because I feel as though my life is under a microscope? That my actions are being observed for future use in some way? Has TTC changed me?

I don’t have answers and I am not sure I will anytime soon but I think I need to try and find my bliss again. Maybe TAB should go through the end of the year. Who knows? I just really feel I need to find happiness outside of desire to be a parent.

I remember His words, though the night finds me weeping; He promised me and surely there'll be joy in the morning.

So I have new lyrics for my life and I need to keep them close to me so I will remember that there will eventually be joy in the morning.

Cycle 43 and TAB.

2008-10-16T11:42:00.003-04:00

Wow AF is a vengeful witch.

Any way, I am not going to medicate this cycle. My clomid refills are done and I just don't think that this is the best time to go into the doc and keep it going. I will probably wait until my January cycle to call the doc again. Stress is not conducive to baby making.

Oh well.

Can I cry now?

No, I Will Not Roll With the Punches.

2008-10-15T18:42:00.003-04:00

I am tried of getting crapped all over. I am tired of getting jerked around. I am tired of all of this. When do I get to breathe easy?

Why can't the bank actually put the name of the auto pay and not just the day and the amount? Why do I need to take in a statement and show them the payment cleared my bank? Why did it not apply correctly? Better yet, why was I not notified that it was a problem? Any other time, they know if I fart in their general direction. So now I need to wait for the billing department to track down where the issue occurred. Until then, I am cut off from the world.

I made a scene in the payment center that I am not proud of and worst yet, it felt so flippin' great to just let someone have it. I need to go back and apologize to the poor CSR girl. She was on the receiving end of the back breaking on the camel.

On top of all that, I am spotting and I know AF is coming and I mad. I know right now is not a good time. We are getting hit by a tidal wave and trying not to sink but I can't help but think at some point I will get a light at the end of this nasty long tunnel. I really either need to get pregnant or lose the desire to have children. I am great at adding to the canine side of our family just not so great at the human adding area. Crap.

Updates - Been sorta out of it for a while.

2008-10-13T10:51:00.005-04:00

1.) Running on- Running on empty – Jackson Browne

That is how my life feels right now. I am just running from one horrible day to the next. Life is not beating me to a pulp but it is [w]itch slapping me until I want to scream, “STOP! I want off this ride!” Each time I feel I finally have life under control, BAM! I am smacked down again. I know that I am supposed to be learning and growing from these experiences but I wish the lesson would hurry up and get here.

So I have rearranged the budget once again and I am still not happy. If we did get pregnant, we can't afford full-time daycare or for me to stay home. Somehow, I need to find a way to make money at home, legitimately. Either part-time or full-time, it doesn’t matter; I need to build a serious nest egg.

Anyone have any ideas?

2.) Maybe I’m the one who is the schizophrenic psycho – Puddle of Mudd

I have one of those personalities that basically can come off in one of two ways; I am affable and fun or aloof and uptight. If someone has gotten on my bad side, I am very aloof and uptight does not even cover it.

Maybe I need to start wearing a tag that says, "Approach with Caution, contents tightly wound".

3.) Well hey, hey, I wanna be a rock star - Nickleback

Some jobs are sought for fame and fortune. Some are sought for the glory and prestige that it invokes. Some are sought for the admiration that comes form doing that particular profession. There are certain jobs that should be done because you have the heart for that venue, i.e. doctors, counselors, nurses, peace corp, charities, ministers, social workers, etc.

I would love to do a job I loved and get paid for it well. Unfortunately, stay-at-home mommy isn’t high paying. Neither is work- part-time- mommy. And there is that whole lack of child thing. Any who, our minister did a sermon basically saying we should do our jobs for way it effects others and helps others, not for the attention, money, glory, praise, etc. It gave me a lot of food for thought. I am struggling with a decision that needs to be made and it gave me a little more insight.

4.) They're coming to take me away - Dr. Demento

I hate hate hate hate hate living in a swing state. If I see one more political ad I may have to gouge my own eyes out and poop my ear drums. Okay, maybe not that bad but it severely sucks right now. I can't wait until the whole cotton-pickin' thing is over.

Making the Best Out of a Frustrating Situation

2008-09-22T09:50:00.003-04:00

We spent the weekend getting rid of all the brush and debris. The city said they would pick up the branches and limps as long as they were in 5 foot bundles.

Instead of letting the city have all the fun, we took care of the Ike remnants in the best was possible:

Last night during 'campfire' number two (the city only allows a fire pit for 4 hours and only recreational), we roasted hot dogs and made s'mores.

I guess you could say we were thrown lemons (in the shape of sticks and branches) so we made s'mores.

And the Lord said, Let there be light. And there was light...

2008-09-17T08:31:00.003-04:00

Okay, I know I should not sound so frustrated but I am tired and I need to get this out.

DH's parents decide that they are going to get us a generator to run the essentials until we have power. We are so grateful and I can't thank them enough.

Well, we tell them we will meet them 1/2 way to pick it up. Not a hateful drive but still 2 hours up and 2 hours back in just highway time is hard to do after a long day at work. To us, it was worth it not to lose everything in the deep freeze.

We go up and come back without any excitement and I was exhausted because I drove there and back. As we are driving into our area of town, I realize that the traffic lights are up again. And the Mc.Ds light is on again. And then....

We turn the corner to our street and the little widow "candles" are lit in the window. We have power and a $200 rental of a generator we don't need.

I am glad that we have power but I feel like God is saying... "See. Patience is a virtue that you both lack." I now realize the God has the twisted sense of humor.

Umm... Houston... You have our Electric guys...

2008-09-15T16:27:00.003-04:00

Our electric company sent our technicians to Texas to help out after the hurricane. Now they have been recalled to O.hi.o. 2 million of the 5 million households in O.hi.o are now without power.

Yippee skippee. So, now we will more than likely be out of power for a few days for certain. But at least we have running water.

Cycles TTC vs Years TTC

2008-09-15T11:03:00.002-04:00

I guess I should clarify my math on how many cycles I have had since starting the baby making project and the years.

For the average person 12 month TTC = 1 year TTC.

I am not the average person by far. I have long cycles, skipped cycles, regular cycles. It just depends on the weather.

Five years and four months ago, DH and I started trying to get pregnant. Sometimes actively, sometimes just not protecting... well, never protecting.

Since May of 2003, I have only had 44 actual cycles. Therefore, I have only 3.75 years of cycles while 5.25 years of trying. Or I have 20 cycles that are nonexistent due to various reasons.

And I was told by a very wise woman once, that month does not equal cycle. If you only have 10 cycles in a year, you have not been trying for 12 months. That is why I break my TTC experience down in cycle and year.

There is Power, Power, Wonder working Power.. Just not at our house.

2008-09-15T09:09:00.003-04:00

Yep. We had a hurricane hit Da.yt.on, Oh.io. At least that is what is felt and looked like. With winds that hit 75 miles per hours in some places and no winds gust below 54 miles per hour, we were doomed from the start.

Luckily DH and I didn't lose too many big limbs and we are going to have a heck of a clean up, but not loss of home.

As for power, there are over 200,000 people without it in the area and it will be several days before we are all back up and running. More than likely, DH and I will be without power for several days.

All I can say is thank the Lord we have a gas hot water heater.

7 Years Ago Today...

2008-09-11T15:01:00.002-04:00

Seven years ago today, life changed as we knew it and many people lost a loved one without warning.

Wives, husbands, parents, brother, sisters, friends... all left their house without thought and never returned. Many only said, "I love you" and maybe had a small kiss; this was the last moment they would have.

My heart breaks for the ones left to mourn. The children who will never see a parent again or at all. The spouses who will need to be strong when their entire world was shattered.

As a country, we have moved on. The freshness of the attacks have worn off and we have gotten comfortable. There is good to this move and shift toward comfort. Yet, even in healing, we need to learn to keep that same "We, the People..." mentality at all costs.

When we turn on each other, we are letting others win. So for at least today, let's forget what color state we are, or who we think is the next best thing. Let's remember the unity that we had following those horrific attacks and just be countrymen.

Cycle 42... Sigh.

2008-09-11T09:46:00.002-04:00

Six more cycles and I am in the 4 year club. Well, 4 years of TTC cycles and in 7 months it will be 6 years of TTC.

I am starting to feel the weight of it all and I am not sure how much longer I can go on pursuing treatments. Clomid is only effective for so long before cancer starts to become an issue.

I think I need to just resign myself to the fact that we will only have a miracle baby and I will probably be 45 when it happens, when my eggs are being thrown out of my ovaries so I can start menopause. I would welcome a child at any age but I am not really looking forward to a baby when I am celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary.

Sorry, just feeling a little whiny today.

Updates and a Small Vent.

2008-09-08T12:11:00.001-04:00

1.) Well, after a rough couple of weeks, I think things may be leveling out. I didn’t get the job I wanted but I am still in their system because they plan on expanding 10 more people by the end of the year. All hope is not lost.

My boss is a little better since we had it out and I told her how I really felt (well, extremely watered down). I am on a menial conversation basis with my office mate and I pretty much just tell my boss what I need to in order to keep peace.

2.) On the TTC front, I am at CD13 and I forgot to temp so I am not sure if I am starting on Wednesday or not… lol Maybe I am just putting off the inevitable.

I had a dream that I was telling everyone we were pregnant but I am far from prophetic in my own dream life. If I were, Ke.vi.n Cos.t.n.er would have killed my friends and I with a chain saw when I was in middle school.

3.) On a really TMI and sorta funny note, our one female dog is not fixed but she is not at risk of getting pregnant at all, in any way. There is still a debate at our house on why we should fix her… but that is another whole ball of wax.

Anyway, she has a little le.sbi.an love for our other female. Now, this doesn’t bother me but she is 55 lbs and the other dog is 11 lbs. You get the picture? So all day yesterday, this big dog is trying to find a way to ‘mount’ this tiny dog. Let’s just say it really added some comic relief to our evening yesterday.

4.) DH and I have be subjected to some pretty blunt question and some that are just typical of being married 8 years with no kids. When did we, as humans, lose common courtesy and tact? Do we need to start having classes on appropriate and inappropriate inquiries?

At what point do you tell someone that his or her question is “…none of your damn business and I don’t think that you have any right to ask that of anyone other than yourself”? Let’s just say if DH and I were approached like a couple we know, we may have been looking for a new Sunday morning activity.

Thank Yous and Explainations

2008-08-26T12:06:00.002-04:00

First off, thank you to everyone for support, even when I can't seem to muster support myself.

Second, DH and I are going through a rough patch. Not personally, as in relationship, just life seems to be chucking more lemons than blessing in the last 3-4 months.

I have been unhappy in my job for a long time and I finally got up the courage to do something about it and it has blown up in my face.

I found out that 2 of my office mates have been loose-lipping to our boss. Not in a direct, "Hey, um, Tammy is looking for a new job" but just as bad. Things like, "Ask Tammy(when pressed by psycho boss)." "I am not choosing sides." "Tammy had an interview she cancelled." "Tammy thinks {office girl} was hired to replace her at a cheaper rate." Basically, railroading me and painting me into a corner and forcing me to be reactive instead of being proactive.

As of yesterday, I had to tell my boss that, yes, I am looking for another job. I was able to explain that I needed more benefits and that I know if I were to, God forbid, get ill a replacement would be sought. I also need a 401K plan and a boss that doesn't need to know everything about my life and then some.

I was told that I am being mean to people because I can't manage my personal problems (aka. I have been quiet around the office and not open about personal issues) and that I am lying to my boss (aka. not telling her I was looking for a job) and that she would really hate to have to fire me. I am also not being very friendly (aka. not talking at a level where she can hear my every word.) and that I need to stop being a b!tch (aka. kiss her @ss).

So, my work environment has just gone from bad to worse and I really really am struggling to keep it together. I come in to work and I have a stone in my stomach the size of Ma.nha.tan and want to cry at any given moment. I cannot trust anyone in the office and I have no one to vent to when my boss is particularly bad. Being a social person, this is crushing and killing my spirit.

So, as I sit here trying not to sob uncontrollably, I am not sure where to turn or where I am supposed to go from this point. If I don't get that job, I am not sure how much more I can take of working in a fish bowl.

When I Think I'm Going Under...

2008-08-25T11:25:00.003-04:00

Knowing You love me, through the burdens I must bear

Hearing Your footsteps, lets me know I'm in Your care

And in the night of my life, You bring the promise of day.

Here is my hand, show me the way.

Knowing You love me, helps me face another day

Hearing Your footsteps drives the clouds and fears away

And in the tears of my life, I see the sorrow You bore

Here is my pain, heal it once more.

When I think I'm goin' under, part the waters Lord
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea
When I cry for help, oh, hear me Lord and hold out Your hand
Touch my life, and still the raging storm in me.

I can't talk about it but I am just feeling completely, utterly, and horribly overwhelmed by life. I am not sure how many more hits I can take before I end up in one of those pretty padded rooms.

Are My Cheeks glowing? They should be...

2008-08-22T10:46:00.004-04:00

because my interview went smashingly! Thank you to everyone for the well wishes.

I not only have the rare DME billing experience but I also have that experience in Res.pir.a.tory and O.xeg.en supply and that is what they are looking for.

DH said I answered the questions very well and I really feel I may get a call back. From my lips to God's ears.

The medical benefits aren't too super great but the time off benefits are wonderful, almost 5 weeks a year, including mental health days.

I really really really want this job. I need an office that is quiet and not dramalishish.

The bad news is my boss is pumping other co-workers for information on whether or not I am going to interviews. This is bad. I need something in place before that woman loses her mind on me. And she will and it will be ugly but I have leverage so I am not super worried.

Wish me luck. I should know by Friday the 30th.

Yelling and Throwing Hard Inanimate Objects

2008-08-20T13:38:00.003-04:00

Nope... DH and I did not have a doozie of a fight.

My boss and the owner of our company did. I have no idea what it was about (probably money) and I really don't care either. I am just tired of the fact that it doesn't phase me anymore to hear slamming doors and screaming at work.

Sooo... I said that to say... I have another interview tomorrow with a position that is similar but for a much larger company and NO DRAMA.

I need all the positive-ness I can get and the well wishes.

Music Is as Necessary as Breath

2008-08-19T21:17:00.005-04:00

At least to me.

As I have said before, I really am a music geek. I don't mean in the sense that I play a ton of instruments, can intelligently converse with the know-alls of classical composition and its impact on the music of today, or even own a bazillion 'records'. What I mean is, I live music.

How do I explain this? Well, there are times that I swear I have a musical score running in the background of my everyday life. Think Stranger Than Fiction just with an orchestra.

Songs pop in and out of my head for every occasion. If I am happy, a song mirroring that mood may bubble to the top and I am humming without even realizing it. If I am sad, the same happens. At first it was just a quirk but I really think that music, to me, is as necessary as breathing.

For months (maybe a year or more) I had lost my 'breath'. The music was gone and I didn't even realize it. It was a slow drifting away. It was as if my soul was gasping for air, needing the words my mind couldn't find, losing the ability to feel the emotions of life in a full spectrum. It wasn't until recently, I finally heard what I was missing. It was as if the light in the room had come on after 30 days of night. A warm embrace.

(okay, for some of you I am about to get all "god-ish", just a fair warning)

I think I understand David's Psalms.... well, all the psalmist. Sometimes, there are no words just music and when the music comes the words will follow. These are not my words but they are no less powerful to my heart.

Give ear to my words, Oh Lord
Consider my meditations
Harken unto the voice of my cries
My King and my God
Unto You will I pray
My voice you will hear in the morning
Oh Lord, in the morning will I direct my prayers
Unto you I will look up. Pslm 5

I learned these words at the age of 11 and they have followed me through out my life. Even in my darkest hours, those words were that pinhole of sanity.

I am not saying all the music is "church" music. Much of it is not but my center always comes down to the songs that speak to my soul, the life that they bring to the lowest moments. Those, I am proud to say, come from my youth and, yes, it is a true soundtrack of southern gospel.

So...

"I sing because I am happy. And I sing because I am free. For His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me."

Pink Rose Award

2008-08-19T13:51:00.005-04:00

Jewels has decided that I needed a Pink Rose Award and I think that is so very sweet of her since I have had a pretty suck couple of weeks.

For those that are wondering what this whole deal is about, here are the rules:

On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: "pink is my favorite color". There's a story of Pink Rose Award and other graphic to choose from.

Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chose them. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.

If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.

You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

Soooo.... I have been trying to figure out who to nominate because there are so many women who deserve this, so as to not offend any "bats" past and present, they all get one and then I want to add two more people.

Netters deserves this and so much more. She has and always will "get" me, even at my worst. For that, a Nobel Prise should be awarded not just a rose.

And I found a new blog, Painting Chef, and I think I fell in love with her writing. She is a kindred spirit and I am too find a blog I like and try to read it top to bottom. I can't wait to catch up on her 'stuff''.

Never gonna let you go...???

2008-08-12T15:59:00.001-04:00

I am not ready to embrace childlessness. I am not ready to admit defeat. I am not ready to watch everyone around me get my dream either.

That being said, I don’t know what I am going to do if a certain pregnancy happens. I wasn’t bitter or shocked when I found out a second niece is pregnant. I have dealt with my issues with the teenager at church having her child. I am even enjoying watching my bat girls go through their pregnancies. But I am not sure how I will react if my premonition finally bears fruit. I think it will change things forever.

My limbo is getting worse. I feel a disconnection in my world of TTC. Almost like a divide that has a missing or has an incomplete bridge. Until that bridge can be spanned, I don’t think we will have any luck getting pregnant. The problem is, I am not sure what that bridge represents. Maybe it is spiritual, maybe financial, or maybe emotional; I can’t really say.

So, what do I do until then? Do I try in vain for something that I am not sure how to get? I just feel so raw inside. Too raw to deal with the pain of knowing that there is a very real possibility that I will never be a mother. I made a comment to several people that if I cant’ have a child then God needs to take away the desire. Is that what I am feeling then? Am I feeling the desire leak out like a balloon with a pinhole? Is He leaking out instead of ripping out like you take off a bandage? Why do I feel so lost?

I don’t think there are answers yet so maybe this is just a post about options. Who knows, I certainly don’t.

Kinda in Limbo

2008-08-11T16:28:00.004-04:00

I am not sure where I fit in right now. I know that we are still TTC and I know that I am thrilled that DH is healthy and his pills work wonders. I also know that Clomid gives me good eggs and that I should really be happy that I O on my own with the Clomid.

But I feel like I am in a whirlpool. I can see the rest of the water but I can't seem to get out of the holding pattern. So, now that things are working right, why aren't we pregnant? Am I supposed to wait indefinitely for answers?

I am really starting to identify with Pamela Jean. The more I read the more I feel like I fit in her corner of the IF world. I am feeling comfort in it. I am not scared of it. It is more like a warm light I am gravitating toward. These feelings are what scares me.

Is it the fact that I am tired of the treadmill. I am not too far from 4 years worth of cycles. I am not too far from 6 years of trying. I am weary. I am beat down and dust covered. At the end of each cycle the possibilities seem a little bit further away. I am creeping up on advanced maternal age.

My dad tells DH to pray for God to open my womb, like in the O. T. Is that really what needs to happen? I mean, I think DH was even more upset this time, than I.

I guess I just feel like I am at a crossroads and I have a feeling a decision will be made by the end of 2008 either way. I could be wrong but I don't think so.

Weekend Update

2008-08-11T10:38:00.002-04:00

1.) Well, we are very blessed that the refrigerator repair was only a small part (the starter relay) so it was $135. Much better than a new fridge... much much better.

2.) I am feeling much better after trying to recreate the luge on my stairs. I only have a dull ache left.

3.) On to Cycle 41. I am okay with it though. The time didn't feel right. I know our timing was awesome but for some reason, the feel wasn't right. I can't explain it.

4.) DH's protocol is working great. The Ar.im.idex is really working on the estrodial so that combined with the Clomid is making for a wonderful hormonal combination. Hopefully, this will make more swimmers, too. Swimmers wearing the necessary enzyme helmet.

5.) After doing the yearly physical thing, DH is healthy as a horse. Blood work was great and the doc was pleased. Just goes to show you that just because someone is heavy set doesn't mean unhealthy.

Thank you for tuning in. I am Tammy and thank you for your support. :o)

I received an award!

2008-08-11T10:25:00.004-04:00

Wow. Thank you, Lori for giving me this award. I really appreciate it, more than you know.

The rules are:
1) Show the award. Link back to the blog that gave you the award.
2) Pick 5 blogs that you consider deserving of this award because of creativity, design, interesting material, and contributions to the blogger community, and link to them.
3) Leave comments on the blogs to let them know you’ve given them an award.
4) Show these rules.

So I will nominate Hope, Nancy, Jen, Jewels and Katie.

Can we not catch a frickin' break, already?!

2008-08-08T08:33:00.002-04:00

Our refrigerator has gone on strike.

It could be $150 repair and it could be a $500 repair.

OMGoodness!

Why did I want to own a house again?!

This week just sucks!

Officially, Not Broken.

2008-08-07T13:48:00.003-04:00

My butt that is and possible my baby maker. Who knows?

I do have a pretty severe deep tissue/muscle bruise on my rump but as I said to someone yesterday, when you are in the weight span of a baby elephant (117-330 lbs, please be kind), having all of it land on your backside is not exactly going to feel pleasant.

No narcotics from the doctor, only extra strength Ty.len.ol. It seems to be taking the edge off the pain.

As for the spotting (or what will now be referred to as 'pink streaking') ... well, I am confused. It has stopped, it was only twice during TP checks (for AF) and nothing since then. I am on 13dpo and normally I start at 15-16 so if no really sign of her by Saturday, I may be tempted to use my lone HPT sitting in my bathroom. But don't hold your breath... lol

Thanks to everyone who stopped by and said "Ouch" for me and expressed concern. I appreciate it. Out 'office boy' has been teasing the crap out of me since yesterday. Ah, the joys of working with a 16 year old.

What goes best with a broken butt?

2008-08-06T15:34:00.003-04:00

AF. Yep. Just the person I need to see when laughing makes me cry in pain and anything resembling proper posture make my knees buckle, even when sitting.

Spot is scratching at the door which means the old hag should be here in a day or two.

Yippee! Bleck.

"Houston, we have a problem."

2008-08-06T09:03:00.004-04:00

Let me first say, I am not a small woman. Actually, I am quite the Ruben-esque beauty (trying to boast my own confidence. Keep reading and you will see why.). Therefore, falling in any way can become quite the experience.

I almost had a face to face meeting with my Maker last night. I was going down the basement stairs and I misstepped. It took seconds but felt like a lifetime.

Down I went, catching myself on the railing just 2 steps before the bottom. I stop my body from careening forward into the concrete post head first but only by a few feet. I do believe bouncing and my a$$ bone were involved. I can't quite remember all of it but I do have the scrapes and extremely sore and painful tail bone.

Thank God I am not pregnant.

Hey, Netters, I think I had to have actually sympathy pain for you. Muah... lol

Broken Hearts and Fragile Life

2008-08-04T11:00:00.000-04:00

This weekend was good but it was overshadowed by some very sad and shocking news.

DH lost a very dear college friend on Friday morning. At the young age of 33, B. had a brain aneurysm that hit sudden, leaving his brain with no activity; death was instant.

B. was one of the guys who helped bring DH out of his shell in college and I have heard so many stories about their groups that I feel like I know him personally. (He was supposed to be in our wedding but didn't get to make it.)

DH is still shell shocked.

My prayers and sympathy go out to his family and wife. He will be missed by so many.

Highlight of My Weekend.

2008-08-04T10:00:00.000-04:00

I got to see Mom and Dad. It has been too long and DH and I just don't have the moolah to get down there on our own right now. (The only better option would have been my sisters and their families, too.)

So, I spent all day Saturday cleaning like a fiend (it could still have been cleaner) and Sunday was quiet and relaxing. The afternoon was spent with Mom, Dad and their friends, B. and D. Then they came over to our house and stayed until 10:30. I think they really like the house a lot better than the last place.

It was a beautiful night out so we were able to leave the dogs out in the yard and sit on the covered deck and talk. I loved it.

On a fun note, I am not really one who is into purses. They are just too girlie for me, but I have an odd fascination with Vera Bradly purses. I LOVE them. Yes, the are the ultimate in girlie, but I think it is my love of sewing that draws me to them. Well, my sisters and mom both have them and now...

...so do I. I love the colors and the print, too. Thank you, Mom. BTW, my boss is drooling over it... lol.

Well, I am starting to mirror June's Cycle

2008-07-29T14:13:00.008-04:00

The aqua blue line and the fuchsia line are starting to melt together... lol So I am not sure what to make of this cycle.

I have perfect looking charts that should end in 9 months.

I have a chart that is HORRIBLE and it was a 2 day +. I am not sure if I should be bummed or should I just hold out and pray for a miracle?

And if this cycle is a + will it make a current pro and con debate completely different? So much to think about. Will my brain every stop swirling?

Even the Nights are Better...

2008-07-29T08:15:00.002-04:00

As I typed the title, I realized just how much of a music geek I am. Music lyrics just fly into my head at the oddest times. Any who...

The night was definitely a lot calmer and the situation played itself out. Apologies were made and all is good.

On the TTC front, I just don't have a good feeling about this cycle. I really think we are going to need to go all the way to IUI to get a positive outcome.

On the job hunting front, the 2ww is nerve wracking but I am still putting out applications/resumes where I can. No need to put all my eggs in one basket, right?

Nothing else is going on, that I know of so post may be hit or miss for a couple of weeks.

The Afternoon is Looking a Bit Lighter.

2008-07-28T13:30:00.005-04:00

I think this weekend was a culmination of things.

I am so happy for my friend Jenn for getting her 'egg roll' after 20 cycles. But as with any +, it too is bittersweet. I am now the only one left of the bat girls who has not had that blessed + under happy circumstances. Unfortunately, Jewels had had to hop back in my boat but I hope she gets to hop out again really soon.

Top that off with two weddings and one of the most childish fights; it made for a very bad, bad weekend.

Things will calm down but I can't say that I will not be a heck of a lot more gun shy over making any plans. The situation would have have worked out just fine but I must admit I was not going back down this weekend. I dug my heals in a little too hard and maybe overreacted some but I proved a point to myself and that is all that matters.

What I have learned from this weekend: Passion over something can be great or it can be foolish. It is how we choose our battles that is the most important; we need to decide what in life is worth the fight. Should every little bump in life be a capital jury trial or are we willing to let some of them just go into arbitration?

I Think It is Time to Return to the Wonderful World

2008-07-28T09:00:00.002-04:00

of Wellbutrin XL. Or something a whole heck of a lot stronger. What pill turns you into a walking zombie? That is the one it need. The one that doesn't allow you to feel. Wait, I am in the 2ww so alcohol is out of the question. (this is actually laughable, we all know it is not going to happen.)

This weekend was bad. I mean horrible, don't-want-to-get-out-of-bed, I-really-want-to-cease-functioning bad. I would even go as far as to say, I could have walked away from it all by Sunday afternoon, found a small foreign country that American dollars are still relatively good and just walked away (well, with my dogs but still).

It started Saturday evening and it went on even into this morning. I really don't see an end in sight either. The situation has escalated and I am not sure how or when it can be brought back down to a manageable level.

Anyone know a cheap foreign country where I can just live simple and maybe see a beach from my bedroom widow? Think the movie, Madagascar.

Did I mention I am in the 2ww?

2008-07-25T11:38:00.003-04:00

I will know if I start a new position in two weeks.

And, I may know if the meds worked this time in about two weeks (I had no clue I was going to O last night).

Is a double 2ww really fair?

I think not.

"You mean there are two office sites?"

2008-07-24T23:20:00.002-04:00

Bad Google! Why didn't you magically know that the interview was at the satellite office? Wait. The office managers should have told me.

Yep. I was 10 minute early to the surgery center and 10 minutes late to the actual interview office. Not my fault though and the manager took total responsibility.

The interview did go well. For the first time I was not nervous at all. Like DH said, I already have a job so I have nothing to lose, only to gain.

She was super impressed with my computer skills and work history. She was also very happy to know I have background with government and commercial insurance. The company encourages growth and betterment for their employees. There is good insurance, 401K, AD & D, temporary disability and a sane boss. It is also associated with one of two major hospitals in our area. A stepping stone, if I am actually picked for the job.

It is about 10 further from home and DH and I won't be able to car pool but I am okay with that if they give me $.50 cents on the hour. I will know in two weeks so I really appreciate all the prayers and positive thoughts so far but I would love it if they could keep on coming. I just need guidance that I am going in the right direction.

Oh, by the way, does anyone know... is a billing Manger the equivelant of a billing Manager? Four sets of eyes missed that typo my my resume. Thank goodness I didn't add attention to detail as a strenght... lol

I have an interview...

2008-07-23T12:56:00.003-04:00

I sent out my resume to 7 places yesterday and within 4 hours, I had an interview appointment for Thurday, 2.5 miles from where DH works.

I am not sure where God is leading em but I am trying to listen to the soft still voice.

Prayers would also be much appreciated. :o)

Thanks bunches and heaps.

"When I Think I'm Going Under..."

2008-07-23T09:11:00.002-04:00

...part the waters, Lord. When I feel the waves around calm the sea. When I cry for help, oh hear me, Lord and hold out your hand. Fill my life, still the raging storm in me."

A dear on-line friend found out yesterday that her little "peanut" stopped growing just after 8 weeks. My heart is so heavy for her and her family.

On the other end of the spectrum, another dear friend has to wait to see if her little "peanut" will be Down's. The risk is slight but a risk none the less.

The words in the quotes above come from one of my favorite songs by, Saleh. It is an intro to "I Need Thee Every Hour" and when I am at my lowest, it brings a calming comfort to an aching soul.

I don't know what to say to either girl because I hurt in my heart and everything I feel sounds so cliche. I just hope that they are both able to find answers and if need be heal their hearts. I know that the only answer is prayer by many.

Julie and Nancy, I wish I could hug you both through the monitor.

My Part for the Roundup Extraveganza

2008-07-22T12:22:00.000-04:00

Joyce's Blog (by Tammy @ Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness)

At first I was worried that Joyce and I did not have a lot in common (she is organized to the hilt and I... well, I'm not. :o) But then I found I'm Not Deaf I am Just Ignoring You, I found a kindred spirit. She explains how living with deaf parents can be fun, challenging and enduring all at the same time. I connected with it because I now how it feels to be different from my parents. Joyce, I like your writing so much and someday, maybe I will have a list.

Definitely a good read.

I HATE MY JOB! I HATE MY JOB!! I HATE MY JOB!!!

2008-07-15T14:53:00.004-04:00

Did I mention, I hate my job?!

Okay, it is more a very strong dislike towards my crazy, psycho, control-freakish, I-don't-do-anything-all-day-long-but-expect-you-to-drop-everything-for-me boss.

Needless to say, I am under water right now, as soon as I can come up for air, I will.

Now Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programing.

2008-07-11T13:13:00.005-04:00

I am on CD 5, I have had AF stop on me twice and now, she is HERE today.

We are on a medicated but not triggered cycle so I get to use OPK's and all that fun stuff. Yay! ::eye roll::

I have noticed I am much more relaxed about TTC this cycle. I don't know where it will lead to but I guess I am finally giving in and letting it go. No, I do not mean I am relaxing... I hate that word but I am trying to remember that I can only do my part the rest is up the God.

******************************************

On a side note, I am I the only person in the world who has conversations with God? I mean I do get actually pray but I tend to just chat with Him all day. I think I am weird this way. I think of someone and talk to God about their situation and ask that His will be shown to them.

Is this considered an active prayer life? Just one of those things that make you go, "Hmm."

Thoughts

2008-07-10T16:42:00.003-04:00

A close friend is having surgery tomorrow morning (7 central time) and I just want those who stalk me and are prayerful to keep her in your prayers.

Hopefully, it will be an answer to her TTC issues.

Thank you.

Seriousness, Silliness, and Steel Magnolias

2008-07-10T12:00:00.001-04:00

My life changed almost 10 years ago (in two weeks it will be 10 years since our first date). I met my other half. I don't think I have had many dull moment since.

When I first got married, I was still very into self and what my life was at the time. I was 25 and I thought I had things under control. I was very wrong. I had no clue.

Within the first 4 years of my marriage, I let my covetousness get in the way of a close friendship. I can say that now. I was jealous but I was too self-centered to really admit it. I know now I could have gotten passed it quicker if we would have been closer in proximity but, alas, that did not happen. I wish I had been around to see my silly cohort pregnant.

Ten years will change everyone. We grow, we learn, we forgive, we love. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. I like to think I am a better person for all that life has thrown at me.

I have learned that begrudging a friend's happiness over the gift of children is not only wrong, but crazy. Do I still get bristly at pregnancy by strangers and "lack of common sense" pregnancies, yep, but not friends. I may not have even been able to say that a few years ago, but I can now. (DH's BF's wife told us she was pregnant a couple of months ago and I wasn't even phased much. I am growing up... lol)

*******************************************

Ever have one of those friends that you can just be silly with and you just don't care? You get looks in restaurants and theaters (because you are making up stories about the people in front of you and start laugh hysterically). People think that someone had let the both of you escape the asylum for the day. That is was me and my friend Jenette.

The laughter and tears came easy and the memories are every emotion out there. We learned from each other...

Always use paint striper before you paint over cabinets... and make sure that you ventilate the house when you paint, even in February @ 2 am.
Never take hand-me-down boyfriends... Only bad things come of that... (BTW, the boyfriend is still single and still the same playboy)
You can take the turn at Malfunction Junction at 65 miles an hour in a jeep
Little kids can be convinced that a petite redhead is a leprechaun
A movie can be "owned" between friends and it will forever remind you of that person
A good man can be found on the Internet... and they even make decent husbands
Deeply religious conversations cannot be had with any intelligence at 3 am by 3 goofy blondes, especially in Song of Solomon
The cow goes "Moo" (not says, the cow goes "Moo")

After 7 years of wondering, missing, praying, etc., a connection has been reestablished. My heart is full. I don't know what the path will be, how it will go, or where it will lead but I know that God will lead us both.

Oh, and Netters, I would positively love to have a Steel Magnolias fest and the chance to add more movie quotes to our repertoire.

SO much to say... SO late at night...

2008-07-09T23:16:00.002-04:00

I just put the fur-babies to bed and I have a sink full of dishes that I am avoiding like the plague.

I have things I should be doing... like sleeping. Heaven knows I am not a morning person.

I am too excited. Too nervous. Too everything! YAY!!! I am skipping through fields in my mind.

Anywho... for anyone who has seen Hope Floats (yes, more movie quotes)... "My cup [runs] over."

I will write more tomorrow... loads more.

Wow, um, I am Not Sure How to Feel ::UPDATE::

2008-07-09T08:36:00.003-04:00

DH was playing in Goo.gle, and he found an old friend and I read one of her blogs, start to finish. It broke my heart in several ways.

So, I am not sure how to react or feel. I reached out and left a comment on a non-related blog. I guess I see where it goes from here.

DH said he just looked for her and didn't know why, he just did.

Hmmm... What a quandary to be in.

::UPDATE:: Ever driven passed a wreck/fire/disaster and just not been able to stopping looking at it? I am there. It is SO NOT a tragic thing but I feel like I am in that same curious yet emotionally raw place. The last "past friend" I reached out to bit me in the hind end and left a huge scar.

"...life goes on and it's only gonna make me strong..." Yep, channeling Leann Rhimes. This keeps going through my head. Last night was probably one of the roughest emotionally in a long time, well emotions that don't involve TTC. Do you ever feel like you are so much like someone yet so different and that is what made things work between you? But then life gets in the way and we make time for things important to us. Memories are so bittersweet.

Yes, my heart broke over 7 years ago because I lost a bosom friend. To quote Bette Midler, "[She] took your friendship away without even discussing it with me." That was me when it happened.

I have grown up since then. Life has knocked me down to size (losing Mom was almost more than I could take). Since then, I have learned to depend on my husband and God (yes, God and I have our issues but like any relationship, pain is inevitable).

I don't know why DH looked where he looked or found what he found. I will let God do the figuring out for me.

The fun part in all this was the flood of fun that runs through my mind... and oh, the quotes... lol

"The only reason people are nice to me is because I have more money than God."

"He is a boil on the butt of humanity!"

C: "The older you get, the sillier you get."
O: "Yeah, well the older you get, the uglier you get."

When Did the Slide Start Up Again?

2008-07-09T08:00:00.001-04:00

I realized something while talking with DH last night, I have given up on expecting God to answer my prayer for a child. I kinda feel like a little kid bugging their parents for a super duper wonderful toy that they would "...just die..." if they didn't have it.

Me: God, can I please have a baby? Just one. Please.
God: What?
Me: A baby. I would really, really love a baby.
God: Why?
Me: I thought you knew my hearts desire? I really, really need a baby!
God: Need is an awfully strong word. Are you sure you need it?
Me: YES! I need a baby.
God: Hmm. We'll see. I am not promising anything though.

In my head, this is how I feel the conversation proceeds. I beg and cry (picture Hannah throwing herself on the steps of the temple) and plead for a child, yet nothing. We get one step closer but we never go over that final threshhold; the door keeps moving.

I know that everything happens for a reason. We needed to find out about the low testosterone and the male factor IF. There are reasons, I know that. We needed to find out about my PCOS. There were reasons there, too. But at some point, we will run out of things to fix and I am not sure that a baby will be at the end of that tunnel either.

Going back to the original thought, my failure to trust I will ever have a child stopped in March. Don't get me wrong, I still pray about it but my heart isn't in it. It doesn't change anything.

The teenager at church needed a child more than us apparently. The father hasn't been around since the announcement but they definitely needed a baby more than us.

Rationally, I know this is crazy. My mom didn't need a child when she found out she was pregnant with me but my adopted parents did. There was a reason for her pregnancy. Yet, I still wonder, in our world where teen mothers are celebrated and praised, how they need a child more.

So, I guess I am just protecting my heart. For every "Hannah" moment I have, my heart hardens a little bit more. This is not a good thing.

I will work on it more. Maybe pray a little harder for others. Maybe give up and just let the chips fall where they may.

I really don't want to have to do another IUI. I want to use the pills and have it work. But for some reason, I don't think that is in the cards.

Maybe the plan is for me to be child free. I just hope that if that is the case that God takes the desire for parenthood away completely.

(Oh, and is there a way to erase comments that have been burned into our memories permanently? I can't get passed the "Only after you do [this, this, and this]..." comment. Or the "Your marriage will never be blessed..." comment. I hate being so sensitive about this still.)

Dunt Dunt Dunt. Another one Bites the Dust...

2008-07-07T22:54:00.006-04:00

No words, just this picture with this heading.

CYCLE 40

I can't let Mel have all the fun... lol

2008-07-02T15:39:00.005-04:00

I too was in a freak accident.

LOCAL BREAKING NEWS

Can you believe it?

I Hate My Chart.

2008-07-02T11:29:00.006-04:00

Could it look any worse? Better yet, my temp, OPKand O pain are all on different days so I am either right on the chart or two days later. AND.... I have been bloated with AF symptoms the entire 2ww. It sucks!

Breaking News From the Mayo Clinic... ::EDITED::

2008-06-30T09:48:00.007-04:00

Dateline: June 30, 2008

Researcher's Name: John Feelgood, MD

Subject of Research: Infertility

After years and years of research into the devastation due to infertility, researchers realize that they have found the cure for all types of infertility.

Millions around the world cheer in jubilation for their prayers are about to be answered. At last,they will be able to get the child they long to have.

What is this cure? Currently, researchers are looking for a name that will encompass all that this wonder drug does. (SRPDC-08 is too clinic to sell to the public.)

In order to find a new name for this miracle in a bottle, I have been chosen to take a list of potential names from infertiles I know to send to the Mayo Clinic personally.

The cure comes in three flavors or scents sunshine, rainbows, and puppy dogs. They are packaged into a nice pill form that must be take either orally or as a suppository.

Now many people have found that taking the cure feels vaguely like a cramming sensation (either down your throat or up your hind side), but after a while, if you learn to relax, the cramming of SRPDC - 08, will hardly be noticeable.

So, give me your ideas! What would you call this wonderful and amazing cure for infertility? How would you market sunshine, rainbow and puppy dog cramming? And do you think it will catch on?

UPDATE:: I forgot to mention that after the pill is crammed, you must stand on your head while singing "You are my Sunshine".

EDIT:: Due to popular request the FDA has agreed to sugar-coating of SRPDC-08. This is in effort to ease the cramming sensation.

Stubborness and Unwillingness to Budge

2008-06-27T09:46:00.001-04:00

even when I am wrong.

This is a personality trait that I HATE in others because I can't seem to fix it in myself.

New Digs for an Old RE

2008-06-26T13:01:00.002-04:00

Well, we meant with our RE in his new 'home' and over all I think the meeting went well. Okay, waiting an hour and 10 minutes passed the appointment time was not cool. (I firmly believe we should be able to bill for our time. He owes me $20.00)

Here is the near future game plan:

- Start DH on the Arimidex along with the Clomid at the next refill
- If we get a neg. this cycle we are to start up the Clomid @ 150 mg for 2 cycles
- If we are not preggo by then, the third cycle will be an IUI because by then DH will know if the Arimidex had increase the count

He really feels that since we were able to have a chemical pregnancy on our own with no Clomid on my part then IUI is not out of the picture yet. He also said freezing several sample will not do any better than 1 fresh sample.

As far as adding FSH, that is big negative. Absolutely no. Because I make several good eggs on Clomid so adding FSH will increase our chance of multiples by 5x. Right now we are at a 14% of twins; FSH will give us over 60% in the multiple department with a 35% chance of triplets. So, no FSH unless it involves IVF.

I have been taken off the Actos and we are going strictly with Metformin since without the Actos I have lost about 12 lbs in 6 weeks. I will know on July 8th whether or not we will be making any other changes after an appointment with my PCP.

I felt pretty good after I left (until I hit traffic) and I think that I may try the EPO and green tea and who knows what else to try and boost our chances.

Maybe I am just supposed to get better RE news in July.

Psychic Predictions

2008-06-25T16:26:00.002-04:00

I thought of this as I was reading Lori over at Drama2BMama and her prediction from a sister and a sister's friend.

In the last two-ish years, I have had four predictions given to me.

Boy and July, either conceive or find out
Girl and July, either conceive or birth
Dark curly headed boy, soon
I will have extreme difficulties getting pregnancy and I will adopt three kids then have an biological surprise

Now, I have to laugh at how vastly different they all seem. Yes, two are close but DH and I do NOT want 4 kids, so adopting 3 is hilarious. So as I approach the third July since those predictions, I can't help but feel like they are mocking me and July is just a goofy beacon that I subconsciously cling to.

Any ideas on how I can break the curse of July hope?

Only 18 cycles since April of 2006

2008-06-25T14:53:00.002-04:00

I realized that as I was getting my chart information together for my RE appointment tomorrow morning and that kinda stuck out there.

Dang, I don't think that is a good thing... lol

Ummm... did I take a turn back into the 19th Century?

2008-06-24T14:08:00.002-04:00

Okay, if there are 'naturalist' out there who may lurk, please do not think I am tryig to offend you. This is just an opinion.

When on earth did it become evil to use toilet paper? Seriously. Are we so scared of supposed (I am still not convinced given this is the nicest June weather I have seen in a long time) global warming that we have forgot what it is like to have modern conveniences like toilet tissue? Is this really a trend? Have we really gone that far off the grid in terms of recycling?

Look, I am not trying to offend anyone but my goodness. I just don't get it. Is the extra water/soap/bleach and the energy used to wash and dry these products really helping? Seriously. A $2 six pack or double rolls is not more expensive than the energy out put to keep a family of 3 in cloth toilet paper.

If there are people that want to do this, all the power to you, but I am not so sure it will become the norm.

BTW, I would be interested in seeing if there is a connection between more sickness and reusable cloth products.

Recipe Reqest by Several People - Smoked Cheddar Mac and Cheese w/ Chicken and Broccoli

2008-06-24T10:56:00.002-04:00

I had several girls ask for this recipe, so I thought I would just share it here too. Hope people try it.

Simple:

4-6 Chicken breast, cubed
1 medium sweet onion, chopped small
2 tbsp Extra virgin Olive Oil (good for your heart)
2 Cloves of garlic
1 Box of Macaroni noodles (I use Barilla in the Yellow box, lower carb)
1 package (or 2 cups) of chopped broccoli (I do my pretty small in a food processor)
8 oz chicken stock
3 cups of smoked cheddar cheese, shredded (I use Hoffman's smoked cheddar/swiss)
2 tbsp butter (or spread of your choice, I use ICBINB)
1/4-3/4 cup milk (2% or above)
1 tbsp Dijon Mustard (any brand)
1 tsp paprika (I use smoked)
1/2 tsp Chipole powder

Boil water for noodles, adding the chicken stock to the water. (Bullion would work also)

In a skillet, heat the olive oil. Once hot, add the chicken and the onion. As you see the chicken get about ½ cooked add the garlic and salt and pepper to preference. (about 8-10 minutes will get it cooked)

As the water boils add the noodles and cook for 3 minutes, add the broccoli. Cook another 5 minutes or until the noodle are al dente (or the softens you prefer).

Once the chicken is cooked through, drain and set aside.

When the noodle are done drain and put back in the pot, add the chicken mix. Add the butter and pour in ¼ cup of milk. Mix the cheese in slowly, adding more milk if it is too thick.

After all the cheese has melted and it is a creamy consistency, add the Chipotle powder, paprika, and the mustard. Stir until incorporated.

Advanced

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
4-6 Chicken breast, cubed
1 medium sweet onion, chopped small
2 Cloves of garlic
1 Box of Macaroni noodles (I use Barilla in the Yellow box, lower carb)
1 package (or 2 cups) of chopped broccoli (I do my pretty small in a food processor)
3 tablespoons butter 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour 1/2 teaspoon Chipotle powder
2 Cloves of garlic
1 Box of Macaroni noodles (I use Barilla in the Yellow box, lower carb)
1 package (or 2 cups) of chopped broccoli (I do my pretty small in a food processor)
1 tsp paprika (I use smoked)3 cups whole milk 1 cup chicken stock 3 cups of smoked cheddar cheese, shredded (I use Hoffman's smoked cheddar/swiss)1 tablespoon prepared Dijon mustard

Boil water for noodles

In a skillet, heat the olive oil. Once hot, add the chicken and the onion. As you see the chicken get about ½ cooked add the garlic and salt and pepper to preference. (about 8-10 minutes will get it cooked

While pasta cooks, heat a medium sauce pot over medium heat. Add butter and melt, then add flour, chipotle and paprika and whisk together over heat until roux bubbles then cook a minute more. Whisk in milk and stock and raise heat to bring the sauce to a quick boil. Simmer until the sauce thickens about 5 minutes.

As the water boils add the noodles and cook for 3 minutes, add the broccoli. Cook another 5 minutes or until the noodle are al dente (or the softens you prefer).

Once the chicken is cooked through, drain and set aside.

When the noodle are done drain and put back in the pot, add the chicken mix. Add cheese to milk sauce and stir to melt it in, a minute or so. Stir in mustard and season sauce with salt and pepper. Pour sauce

It is a mutation of two Rachael Ray Recipes here and here.

Let Them Eat... Fish!

2008-06-24T09:53:00.002-04:00

Yep, DH actually caught some fish on his weekend trip and I cooked it up last night. I know have a new love for fresh Walleye. Oh my godness it was so flaky and light.

So I think I am going to try and start cooking more fish. It is good for us and I have branched out of my "square fish only" mindset, and I need to put it to good use.

If any one has any good recipes for Red Snapper, Grouper, Walleye, Lake Perch, and any other white, mild fish, I wouldn't mind receiving them (hint, hint).

Second Verse Same as the First

2008-06-21T17:37:00.003-04:00

No, not Henry the 8th, but my OPK. So It looks like I was at the front of my surge yesterday and in the thick to end of it today. So I figure I am ready to O or will O soon.

DH isn't back until tomorrow morning... Is that too late? I hope not.

Blah.

Randomness

2008-06-21T12:18:00.004-04:00

When DH is out of town, I remember what is was like to be single and I am not sure I would want to revisit that state anytime in the near and far future.

I like having him around and it is weird when I have no one to talk to but the dogs.

Speaking of which, why do they think that as soon as 'dad' leaves they must be on constant alert and bark at every shadow to warn me and keep me safe? I don't think of myself as helpless, so why do they? It's weird.

Darn... The one time DH goes out of town

2008-06-20T14:20:00.003-04:00

in 4 years, and I get this today. Crap. I am going to hope and pray that it is the front end of my surge. Laughable, huh? Oh well.

Oh My Is that A Hole in Your Bottom, Cheyenne?

2008-06-20T10:06:00.004-04:00

Did that catch your attention? We had a doggie emergency this week.

Yep, it is hole, in fact, it is one small hole (dine size) and 1 large tear (1 inch by 2 inches) and neither one is the one God gave her. Stress does not cover the feelings I felt.

My first baby girl (four pawed) has some how manged to get herself an abscess on her bottom. Monday night she was acting very meek and calm. By Tuesday, she was just not herself. She wanted to sleep and not play. Wednesday morning I noticed her bottom had swollen slightly and I called the vet. By the time I got home to "watch her and see if she is still acting 'off''" it was on the verge of rupture. I went to clean it (and keep her in my sight the rest of the night) and well, let's just say, it was gross.

So, Thursday we had the big vet visit and she was already feeling better and perking up because the pressure was gone. The vet is confused as to how she got it but since her behavior didn't change until Monday, he thinks it was slow growing and we may never have know until it got to this point. The vet techs were psyched because anytime they hear "abscess" it is a juicy visit, pun intended.

She had a fever, too so infection was still in her. We were given a powder that will stop the itching and numb the areas while it heals and it also contained a topical antibiotic. She was also given a shot, oral antibiotics and three days worth of pain pills.

We have a long road of healing ahead of us but as of now we will not need surgery.

By this morning she is a different dog. She hates the "conehead" but she is eating and running around and the areas are starting to heal. She goes back in on Thursday for a follow up.

Believe me when I say, I have a new appreciation for Vet techs and the grossness of their jobs.

FAKE FRIENDS/REAL FRIENDS

2008-06-20T09:30:00.000-04:00

FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr / Mrs
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM

FAKE FRIENDS: Never seen you cry
REAL FRIENDS: Cry with you

FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours

FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes fromyou

FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you

FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say 'I'M HOME!'

FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life

FAKE FRIENDS: Will talk bad to the person who talks bad about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock the person out that talked bad about you

This was sent to me in an email by my mom and I just loved the truth to it and wanted to share it.

"Why Don't you Just Adopted You Selfish (fill in the name)?!" ::EDITED::

2008-06-19T11:50:00.008-04:00

Wow. Really? Is that how the average person should feel about infertility? I am selfish?

I read a beautiful article about Pamela Jean that really made me feel like IF was coming to the forefront. WRONG! The comments to the article were HORRID! I got farther than Mel but not too much.

How about I walk up to an man with ED and say, "You are so selfish for not letting your wife cheat on you because you can't satisfy her."

Better yet, let me walk up to a donor recipient and tell them, "How dare you take another person's bone marrow? Survival of the fittest, Man. Nature is thinning the herd."

I want to be a mom. I don't care how, I want it no matter what. BUT I the urge to have a biological child is strong because I know the inner struggles of an adopted child from experience.

Now, if someone wants to throw a crap load of me money at me I would love them forever and it would help me make the IVF decision in a heartbeat, but until then, I will trudge along hoping for a chance at something.

Until they walk a mile in our shoes, they need to just shut it.

And The Angels in Heaven Sang...

2008-06-18T11:04:00.002-04:00

The fence is done! The fence is done! The fence is done!

The dogs are just in L-O-V-E with the new freedom and full of such life out there. It makes my heart smile.

I will post pics sometime this week.

Onto TTC News...

2008-06-17T14:54:00.005-04:00

DH had his follow up s/a after 4 months of Clomid treatment; we have good news and I am not sure if it is bad news or just indifferent news.

The Clomid did wonders for the testosterone issue but it raised the Estrodial so we have a second pill to add to the therapy. So we raised the testosterone level by 500 points. The rest is list below, over three tests (most current is bold):

Motility

1. 67%
2. 31%
3. 76%

Morphology

1. 3%
2. <1%
3. 3.4%

Count

1. 4 million
2. 80 thousand
3. 1.2 million

Now as far as morphology, we finally have a reason for the low quality, most of them are missing the acrosome, or the enzyme cap on the head of the sperm. Apparently, that is kinda important to fertilization. In a nutshell, we are missing the helmet on the spermtards. Yippee.

So, that is why we have good news for everything working but the missing helmet is not a good thing. Dr. Google confirmed.

I meet with my RE in his new office on the 26th and we will go from there. I have a feeling he is going to say no to IUI success and really push IVF. If that is what happens, then we are SOL and will take the necessary steps to living child-free. Adoption and IVF are not an option due to cost. We can't afford either one and that will pretty much seal the deal. I guess being a dog Mommy will have to be fulfilling enough for me at that point.

We really need prayer that we have more alternatives then that, but in the end, I know if it is meant to happen, it will.

"...Fence me in..." Part Deux

2008-06-17T14:51:00.002-04:00

The fence is officially evil and the project sent by demons from the deepest depths of Hell.

Okay, maybe not that bad but it has been really, really trying and hard work. We may have saved some money doing it ourselves but dang, it has been a really witch and a half.

As soon as it is done I will do a Show and Tell.

"...Don't Fence Me In." (A weekend in words.)

2008-06-09T14:36:00.003-04:00

Well, yes, fence me in, please.

This weekend was almost a bust on the fence raising front. We bought the house for the trees and now they are the bain of our fence building existence.

Apparently, our trees and shrubs have conspired against us in revolt of being trimmed. Even though we have a great pull-behind post hole digger, it is being done in my the common 100 year old tree root. Hmm. Is it too much to ask that the rest of the project go smoother?

To quote another popular hit, "...I said, No, No, No." when it came the the baby shower of the pregnant teenager at church. The only gift I felt the need to give consisted of a box of condoms, a pamphlet from Planned Parenthood and a copy of the state and federal taxes withheld from my check with a circle around the amount and a huge, "Your welcome."

I make no bones about the fact that I detest the Welfare ("Someone else take care of my irresponsible butt.") system in this country. This girl is now a reminder of a broken system that my tax dollars pour into. Yes, I am bitter about it.

This week is also a week of appointments. DH has his follow-up s/a and follow-up with Dr. R. Then a week later, I see my RE but in his new digs. I am hoping the cost might be a little less due to the fact that it is also part of Local College Medical School. Maybe I can get in on a trial or too and get a discount. Shoot, I would even be there live pin cushion and guinea pig if it gave me a baby.

Hopefully, we will have our fence before I see my new RE office but I am not that optimistic yet... lol

In Honor of 100th Post.

2008-06-04T09:00:00.002-04:00

I am going to just say that I am so happy that I have made friends along this journey. It is bittersweet to know that people understand you becasue they have gone or are going through the same problems.

When I am at my lowest, I know that there are people out there who understand and are willing to listen to me gripe and complain when I have no where else to go.

I appreciate those girls more than they could ever realize and I am not sure there are enough words in the English language to say, "Thank you."

Another Cycle Down.

2008-06-02T13:39:00.003-04:00

AF hasn't showed but she will in the next day or two. I am okay with it, too. I was never really happy with this cycle.

So DH gets to go to the urology follow up next week and we will find out if the 'boys' are any more in number and a little less on the 'tard' side. Maybe we can even do an IUI this cycle.

What's in a Title?

2008-05-27T13:42:00.007-04:00

After the last week and the ups and downs, I have been left with a few questions regarding the IF community. I know that others have written on what I am about to discuss but this is the first time I really feel I don't belong. So if you are a person who easily offends, stop here or just deal, okay?

What markers, milestones, or procedures make us adopt the title, "Infertile"? Is there a magic number, date or test that pushes us into that infertile pond?

If a couple is trying for 2 years, she has PCOS, he is fine but they have only tried Clomid due to religious beliefs, are they allowed to be deemed infertile?

What if a couple has tried for 1.5 years and is undiagnosed and does their first IUI, are they infertile?

Or, the couple in their late 30's with nothing medically keeping them from getting pregnant but it alludes them for 5 years, does the IVF they finally try make them more infertile?

Now, what about financially? If I spend $1500 and end up pregnant after 5 years and someone else spends $50,000 in 2 years, were they more infertile than I, or should I even be allowed to count myself as a card carrying member?

I guess I don't understand the ground rules. If I am content with just trying medication in lieu of procedure, should I even tell people I am barren? Have I earned enough stripes after 5 years to feel like one of the team?

I feel like I am on the outside looking in. I don't fit in with the "it" crowd. I have done IUI but not IVF. I have done Clomid but no injections. I have had the HSG but no Lap. Do I even have the right to bitch about not getting pregnant? Maybe I need to just suck it up and realize I am on the fringe and unless I shell out a lifetime of savings, I just get to look in the window and wonder how come I don't find comfort for my ailing soul.

How sad is it that I am coveting the couples going through more than I am because I feel unworthy around them... Bleck!

The poll on PJ's blog got me to thinking

2008-05-22T13:59:00.003-04:00

I have known 18 people on a fairly decent level that have been dealt the IF card.

My two sisters have PCOS (like me)
My cousin had a hard time keeping a pregnancy and had an adoption
My mom and my grandmother have/had PCOS
There are two women in our church who have finally just adopted through the foster system
It took one of my fellow praise team members two years and fun testing to finally break the Unexplained IF barrier
One woman in our church decided to live child-free
One 17 year old at church has endo so bad she will never be able to conceive or sustain a preganancy
And I have 8 wonderful girls I talk to regularly on-line who have also been given varying degrees of IF labels.

So here is my thought... If this was a type of cancer, wouldn't more people be un in arms?

One in eight women or 12.6% of all women will get breast cancer in her lifetime. And 12.5% of couples suffer with infertility.

Just food for thought.

Has Anyone Seen My Lungs?

2008-05-22T13:42:00.003-04:00

I think I may have coughed them up in the last to days.

So apparently Karma is having fun with me. I grip about hating my anniversary this year and BOOM! I end up with a horrible cold.

Needless to say, the anniversary didn't go well and DH was not happy.

I am hoping to be better by Saturday so we can out out and have a nice dinner and maybe a movie (Indy perhaps?).

As far as TTC... my cycle is so screwed up I don't know if I am coming or going right now. Bleck.

Tomorrow

2008-05-19T09:09:00.004-04:00

May 20, 2000 was the start of our family.

Tomorrow is 8 years of marriage for DH and I. Little did I know that we would still be DINKs.

Tomorrow also marks 5 years of TTC. 5 years, 60 months, 38 cycles.

Tomorrow should bring joy since we made it past the 7 year itch.

Tomorrow should be a celebration but I don't feel it.

Tomorrow is one more year has passed us by and still no pidder patter of little feet. (um... make that non-fur covered feet.)

Tomorrow is just one more reminder of the failure to have a child.

Can I just skip tomorrow?

No Words

2008-05-16T11:40:00.002-04:00

I have so much going on in my head and heart but words escape me.

I am in my ovulation window and terrified out of my mind. I wish I could just skip to the pain of the BFN and go from there. I just can't hope right now.

Massive Commenting...

2008-05-12T11:36:00.002-04:00

I have a crap load of commenting to catch on. Crap. I hate end of month billing. Bleck.

When Friends Leave

2008-05-07T15:15:00.005-04:00

I lost a friend over the weekend ('breakup', not death) and I am still not exactly how it imploded in a matter of hours.

The "death" of the friendship has been lingering since last year and last Friday the respirator was removed and it flat lined.

I wish I could say I was sadder than I am, but I am not. It was actually a relief. I hate to admit that one out loud, too.

I want to write a long letter and explain why I feel the way I do, but I really don't think that it will make any difference and I really don't think I want it to.

Wow, That Stung a Little & Thank You.

2008-05-05T15:55:00.004-04:00

I thought I was prepared but I wasn't. It still hurt and I know now how much more I really want it to happen again.

So this cycle we are medicated again and we are going for broke... Well, as far and timed BDing. I am praying for the best but I am trying not to hope too much.

I want to thank all the girls for your wonderful words of support. I needed it more than I realized and it meant more than you know.

I wish I could hug you all in person.

My Biological "Car" is on the Correct Road

2008-05-02T08:25:00.006-04:00

But we are not at the destination yet.

I didn't post this on the day of my appointment because I was not sure what to report.

Let me preface this by saying, I do not want any posts or comments that contain the word "Sorry" in any way shape or form. I am not sorry myself, so I don't expect it from others. I don't want pitiful looks or glances, or even, "Chin up". I am not upset, I am renewed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a mixed blessing of a yearly exam. On cycle day 98, 12-14dpo, I received my very first ever BFP; two of them. I should have been thrilled but the doctor was very apprehensive. The tests were so light that they could have been misconstrued as evaporating lines. My cervix was also low, hard and open, all indicative of AF.

My beta came back a 16 (too low for his liking) and the doctor said, basically, it is/was a biochemical pregnancy but we will take another one on Friday to cooberate his theory.

Thursday's test was just as light and maybe even lighter. AF is on her way; Spot came for a pre-visit this afternoon.

I will have a definitive answer tomorrow but I already know the outcome and I am okay with it. Instead of seeing this as a negative, I am seeing through a different light. At least we know sperm can meet egg, right? We finally saw our sign that we are headed down the right path. I have renewed hope ; it will happen again. I do not really consider this a 'loss' in the typical sense. If I had not gone for my yearly, I would not have known, so how can I mourn the loss of something that wasn't even really there?

So for now, I am going to rejoice in the knowledge that I was a Maybe-Mommy for a brief moment and that one day, I will be a For Sure-Mommy.

HUMOROUS SIDE NOTE: I almost put Absolute-Mommy at first but it immediately made me think of those baby t-shirts that say,"Mommy Drinks because I cry", and changed it. See, I still have my sensor of humor.

UPDATE:: After a lot of cramping, I woke up this morning to a very obvious AF. On to cycle 38. Oh, and this month makes the official 5 year mark of trying... Yippee.

Seriously?! ::UPDATE::

2008-04-29T15:13:00.008-04:00

Should it not be in some code of conduct that an OB/GYN is not allowed to say the following to an infertile:

"It will happen when you least expect it. As soon as you give up the stress."

Seriously?! Is that not the equivalent of, "Relax"? Granted, he qualified it after I called him on it, but still... Really? Relax... from the doc? Whatever.

Apparently, statistics are good that DH and I will get preggo because we are both responding to the meds. This was the reasoning for the above comment. Understandable but it didn't make it any easier to hear.

Oh well.

And............... Not pregnant?

I thought I should update the way my OB actually explained things to me before people think he is a complete jerk.

I love my Gyn. I love the fact that while we are doing the tests we can talk about everything from my testing to Survior (3 years ago, it was so funny). He really puts me at ease and is very proactive.

After asking him if he was seriously telling me to relax, he said, oh no, and apologized. He then stated that he was referring to the fact that we were both really responding to meds, statisically, odds are in our favor. (as stated above) That is one less thing for us to worry about so it will take away some of the stress which will in turn help me relax a little (mentally). He did admit that it will take medical intervention, too.

Does this make him a little less of a butt?

Today is G-Day.

2008-04-29T09:10:00.002-04:00

At 2:10 pm I get my annual date with the cervix tester. Yay! Luckily, I have Dr. Wonderful for a gyno and he gets in and out quicker than anyone I have known. Small blessings.

So, on that note, I will also know by 3 pm if I am just waiting on AF to show or maybe I can celebrate. Yeah, I know, I just hope she shows in the next couple of days. I don't want to hit CD100.

If and when it happens, I have decided that I am not going to tell DH in the conventional way. I think I am going to have a cake in the shape of a POAS sitting on the dining room table with two thick pink lines. (Maybe I have seen one too many Ace of Cakes) It sure beats balloons.

Have I mentioned, I really don't want to know?

The Quote at the Top

2008-04-28T16:28:00.005-04:00

I saw a movie this week and I LOVED that quote. I felt that it really captures TTC.

No one expects infertility.

Can anyone tell me what movie it is from? *wink,wink*